[ are they still in the hug. if they are, he's squeezing a little tighter. it definitely does feel as if they were used as instruments, that once It had consumed them, it used them as it saw fit to dispose of its enemies. and then, once their purpose had been served, was more than happy to dispose of its used toys. ]
We were puppets.
[ he's not a good person. he's not a good person, with good thoughts, like this karlach, or a hero, or fidelio, so ... ]
Maybe he should have felt guilty. They didn't exactly warn us what was down there. They didn't offer to come, if they knew it so well.
[sure. i think at this point maybe they have found a place to sit. the word puppets hits harshly with her. she can't deny that it's a fair one, but she hates it.
she tried so hard. after everything elysia had said to her, had done for her, she didn't want to fail her. she started out this week thinking that it was going to be different from now on, because she was going to make it so. she wasn't going to stay mired in ugly grievances, she was going to find the new path elysia had hoped she would find.
and then it all went wrong so immediately.
she's trying to keep a brave face because he was so obviously destroyed by what happened to him, and maybe if she acts as though it didn't destroy her too, it will help, but she still cries helpless tears and feels ridiculous, a fool, for every thinking she could accomplish these things just by trying to believe in it.
she thinks he's right, but she doesn't have it in her to blame richie for it. she had lashed out at him with the very same accusation right before she killed him, and watched him hate himself over it.]
If they'd told us, would it have changed anything?
[it would have only guaranteed they'd go down there, into the sewer, to die.]
[ he doesn't want to let go, so even if they're sitting somewhere, he'll hold on. a hand, or leaning against her shoulder.
the brave face might not help, but there is something about her becoming so upset and helpless that-- if he begins to believe himself a monster for this, then he is casting that shadow on her as well. and that doesn't feel right, either. ]
No. We'd have all just died horrible deaths. But there's nothing wrong with a little bitterness when things go wrong. [ some attempt at levity. being a good person even in the confines of your own mind all the time is an impossible task, except maybe for elysia. ]
I don't know what this makes us, but I don't want you to think-- You're important to me. To many people. Even if you are capable of these things.
[well, no disagreement there. she doesn't want to feel bitter towards richie, that's all there is too it. if we want to say fuck beverly, that's fine.
he's probably right, that there's no virtue in her pretending that any of this is okay, nothing about it that helps him or anyone else. she's used to holding people at an arms' length, trying to make sure they know she'll be fine and not to be too concerned about her. but it does break her heart a little, that he's the one who first tries to say something like this.]
You are important to me, too. [squeezing his hand.] And you are no monster. What they did to you, what they made you, it was cruel and wrong.
[ she is the first person he is willing to believe when they say he is not a monster. it always rings so falsely optimistic from everyone else. but she has seen the worst he can do, and he doesn't think of her as a flatterer, or a liar, or someone desperate to fix something that perhaps cannot be fixed. ]
I ... think Justice helps me. Everyone acts as if it is me, restraining him. But he tempers me. I could not have done those things, if he had been there.
You wouldn't have done those things if they hadn't forced you. The person you are now wouldn't want to do them. [it really has nothing to do with justice.] I don't know that I agree he tempers you. [because he obviously fucking doesn't.]
...It's only that it seems as though you aren't always in control of that, either, and that would be frightening to me.
[she wouldn't be saying any of this, not tonight, except he brought it up. something she does herself sometimes - say something that she's been worrying about as though she's sure of the answer, see if the ones she says it to agree or disagree.]
Even if you have more reason to trust him than you might trust others.
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We were puppets.
[ he's not a good person. he's not a good person, with good thoughts, like this karlach, or a hero, or fidelio, so ... ]
Maybe he should have felt guilty. They didn't exactly warn us what was down there. They didn't offer to come, if they knew it so well.
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she tried so hard. after everything elysia had said to her, had done for her, she didn't want to fail her. she started out this week thinking that it was going to be different from now on, because she was going to make it so. she wasn't going to stay mired in ugly grievances, she was going to find the new path elysia had hoped she would find.
and then it all went wrong so immediately.
she's trying to keep a brave face because he was so obviously destroyed by what happened to him, and maybe if she acts as though it didn't destroy her too, it will help, but she still cries helpless tears and feels ridiculous, a fool, for every thinking she could accomplish these things just by trying to believe in it.
she thinks he's right, but she doesn't have it in her to blame richie for it. she had lashed out at him with the very same accusation right before she killed him, and watched him hate himself over it.]
If they'd told us, would it have changed anything?
[it would have only guaranteed they'd go down there, into the sewer, to die.]
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the brave face might not help, but there is something about her becoming so upset and helpless that-- if he begins to believe himself a monster for this, then he is casting that shadow on her as well. and that doesn't feel right, either. ]
No. We'd have all just died horrible deaths. But there's nothing wrong with a little bitterness when things go wrong. [ some attempt at levity. being a good person even in the confines of your own mind all the time is an impossible task, except maybe for elysia. ]
I don't know what this makes us, but I don't want you to think-- You're important to me. To many people. Even if you are capable of these things.
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he's probably right, that there's no virtue in her pretending that any of this is okay, nothing about it that helps him or anyone else. she's used to holding people at an arms' length, trying to make sure they know she'll be fine and not to be too concerned about her. but it does break her heart a little, that he's the one who first tries to say something like this.]
You are important to me, too. [squeezing his hand.] And you are no monster. What they did to you, what they made you, it was cruel and wrong.
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I ... think Justice helps me. Everyone acts as if it is me, restraining him. But he tempers me. I could not have done those things, if he had been there.
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You wouldn't have done those things if they hadn't forced you. The person you are now wouldn't want to do them. [it really has nothing to do with justice.] I don't know that I agree he tempers you. [because he obviously fucking doesn't.]
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[ there it is. ]
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I can see how that would be a help, to know.
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[she wouldn't be saying any of this, not tonight, except he brought it up. something she does herself sometimes - say something that she's been worrying about as though she's sure of the answer, see if the ones she says it to agree or disagree.]
Even if you have more reason to trust him than you might trust others.