[ it is such a relief to simply decide that touch boundary can drop. he's always been a people person, disgustingly. in kinloch hold, it was impossible not to be close to people. you slept in the same room as every other apprentice, you always bathed in pairs, you were always in a classroom full of rowdy peers or shuffled into a crowded chantry for service with another mage right at your side. and then he'd left. in kirkwall, it was years and years of keeping to himself - he'd had people around- the hawke crew, and the volunteers and patients at the clinic, but he was always alone. it's nice to have a relationship again that is able to be like that. ]
It doesn't have to be yours. I've only ever known you as Shadowheart, but it doesn't have to be that either, if that's not what you want.
Anders isn't my real name. When they arrested me, I refused to speak for two months. They started calling me Anders because the village where I came from was mostly farmers who'd come from the Anderfels to try farming slightly different terrible rock-riddled earth, I guess. My father was Ander. Thick accent and everything. But I don't ... there are days I don't even remember what name my parents gave me. It doesn't matter anymore. That person is gone.
[surprise surprise, the cloister of sombre embrace was not a very huggy place, though apparently they were all fucking a lot.]
The girl that I was back then is gone, too. Even if I want to know something of her life again, I will never be her. It would be too painful to try.
[which i'm sure he understands.]
I don't mind Shadowheart, even if it is a Sharran name. I find it comforting to think that it could have meanings other than the one they intended. You can't cast a shadow without light.
[ he does. even andy at least there's a little bit of comfort in the fact that, in the end, he made it. at least to this place. maybe best to let him rest.
anders isn't a name with any meaning. it's more what it represents: never, ever giving the Templars or anyone else that piece of himself, to his dying day. And Shadowheart is good in that way as well - it was a name they'd forced on her by erasing the old one, but taking it back, using it for herself and never giving them what they want ... that's good too.
and that's sweet, he likes that. a lop-sided smile at the shadow without light part. it suits her. ]
It's your name, then. Do whatever you like with it.
No, no. It's not bad. [well, she considers.] It is bad, but it isn't a pressing problem. [...] The Sharrans abducted me. [that's not really a surprise at this point.] But I think they abducted my father, as well. Or at least, people I knew.
[ can i say he definitely is very shocked by this partially because he just forgets having parents is a thing. but this is also genuinely horrifying to think about. ]
Well, that I don't know. [sorry, she did say it was still a bad story.] It would have been forty years ago, so either long dead or a captive for that long for gods knows what purposes.
[she swallows.]
I don't really know anything. I saw a man in my memories. He was captured by them, but he called out to me. And -
In that place, I found him in one of the rooms. And he was my father, and he had been looking for me for all those years. [this thought is so bittersweet it's painful. in that world, all any of them had wanted was for an adult to care, but she wanted it for herself, too.]
I know it sounds stupid to believe anything we saw there. But Jiaoqiu thinks it might be true.
[ he doesn't know anything about elves living long lives, he just assumes shadowheart has a really great skincare routine. ]
I-- Don't think that's stupid. These places seem to know a great deal about us. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume perhaps it could know something of your mind that you yourself cannot reach, but is still there somewhere.
[so if both of them think so... but it would be really hard to believe it and then find out it was nothing more than a childish fantasy. then again, she has really no reason to believe he would still be alive.]
I think I want to know what happened to me back then. I wasn't sure it was important, to go digging into it. Maybe better to just move on, but I think if I tried, I'd always have questions.
Would you? The situation is terribly grim. I haven't even mentioned quite a few things because they never seem to come up, but I'm not sure I would recommend it to tourists.
[though he's one of like two who she did mention the mind flayer parasite thing to. but smiling a little that he asked.]
I would love your help. [more than that, she's touched that he asked. but she wouldn't just want his help.] And I would love for you to know you could... have options if you wanted them. Have a different future. I think my world isn't so dissimilar to yours, but unrecognizable from yours in the specific way of how magic is viewed. [none of this is guaranteed, she knows. there hasn't ever been a promise they could choose where to go, but if they could...]
But also, there is currently a plot to have the entire population enslaved in a mind flayer hivemind.
It wouldn't be the first world ending threat I've encountered? I've personally fought two of the Magisters Sidereal you know. Everyone thinks I'm weak, but I'm competent in a fight with magic.
[ he spent the whole first week complaining in literal heaven where all food is free and there were lovely gardens and a beautiful spa and no one was dying at all. ]
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It doesn't have to be yours. I've only ever known you as Shadowheart, but it doesn't have to be that either, if that's not what you want.
Anders isn't my real name. When they arrested me, I refused to speak for two months. They started calling me Anders because the village where I came from was mostly farmers who'd come from the Anderfels to try farming slightly different terrible rock-riddled earth, I guess. My father was Ander. Thick accent and everything. But I don't ... there are days I don't even remember what name my parents gave me. It doesn't matter anymore. That person is gone.
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The girl that I was back then is gone, too. Even if I want to know something of her life again, I will never be her. It would be too painful to try.
[which i'm sure he understands.]
I don't mind Shadowheart, even if it is a Sharran name. I find it comforting to think that it could have meanings other than the one they intended. You can't cast a shadow without light.
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anders isn't a name with any meaning. it's more what it represents: never, ever giving the Templars or anyone else that piece of himself, to his dying day. And Shadowheart is good in that way as well - it was a name they'd forced on her by erasing the old one, but taking it back, using it for herself and never giving them what they want ... that's good too.
and that's sweet, he likes that. a lop-sided smile at the shadow without light part. it suits her. ]
It's your name, then. Do whatever you like with it.
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[squeezing his hand.]
May I tell you something? It slipped my mind to mention what with all of the bloodshed and slaughter and the like.
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Yes?
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No, no. It's not bad. [well, she considers.] It is bad, but it isn't a pressing problem. [...] The Sharrans abducted me. [that's not really a surprise at this point.] But I think they abducted my father, as well. Or at least, people I knew.
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You mean-- he's alive, somewhere?
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[she swallows.]
I don't really know anything. I saw a man in my memories. He was captured by them, but he called out to me. And -
In that place, I found him in one of the rooms. And he was my father, and he had been looking for me for all those years. [this thought is so bittersweet it's painful. in that world, all any of them had wanted was for an adult to care, but she wanted it for herself, too.]
I know it sounds stupid to believe anything we saw there. But Jiaoqiu thinks it might be true.
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I-- Don't think that's stupid. These places seem to know a great deal about us. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume perhaps it could know something of your mind that you yourself cannot reach, but is still there somewhere.
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[so if both of them think so... but it would be really hard to believe it and then find out it was nothing more than a childish fantasy. then again, she has really no reason to believe he would still be alive.]
I think I want to know what happened to me back then. I wasn't sure it was important, to go digging into it. Maybe better to just move on, but I think if I tried, I'd always have questions.
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If it is something you wanted to look into, and we make it out of here-- I would help you, you know.
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Would you? The situation is terribly grim. I haven't even mentioned quite a few things because they never seem to come up, but I'm not sure I would recommend it to tourists.
[though he's one of like two who she did mention the mind flayer parasite thing to. but smiling a little that he asked.]
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[no, no, that's fair.]
I would love your help. [more than that, she's touched that he asked. but she wouldn't just want his help.] And I would love for you to know you could... have options if you wanted them. Have a different future. I think my world isn't so dissimilar to yours, but unrecognizable from yours in the specific way of how magic is viewed. [none of this is guaranteed, she knows. there hasn't ever been a promise they could choose where to go, but if they could...]
But also, there is currently a plot to have the entire population enslaved in a mind flayer hivemind.
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[ he did kind of briefly forget about it. ]
It wouldn't be the first world ending threat I've encountered? I've personally fought two of the Magisters Sidereal you know. Everyone thinks I'm weak, but I'm competent in a fight with magic.
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Don't think I'm trying to dissuade you, though.
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If-- there weren't any problems, I don't think I would want to go.
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[ he spent the whole first week complaining in literal heaven where all food is free and there were lovely gardens and a beautiful spa and no one was dying at all. ]
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Seems easy enough to start with whatever has happened your father, in that case.
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