[ Why? Because it was still early, when things weren't such a nightmare yet. When he hadn't started getting numb to all these deaths and dying and killings right in front of everyone's eyes. Back when he still believed Anders's redemption hinged on trying to be a better person, when he thought, hoped everyone could go back. ]
[ As a monster. he was born into death, into the threat of possession at any moment, at the idea of losing your mind and self into a monster. it is the lot of the mages from the moment their magic appears. eventually, he himself had become one of those monsters too. That is what had been so important to him at the time about it. That someone had cared enough to try and stop him from becoming worse.
It's devastating to see marcoh brought so low by this.
it is a dark and somewhat desperate thought, but the idea that a soul so broken like that could be healed is one that, despite everything, carries a measure of hope. it is his own hope for himself, at the very least. he does not care for better person or not, but to be in control of his own body, his own mind, that will have to be redemption enough. ]
You told me once you thought we were similar. I only wanted the same for you. If you hate me for it, so be it, but I do not regret it. I owed you that much as your friend.
[ He WAS indeed mad at Anders but he's so tired. He's really just tired now, bereft of his rage, the engine is dead. All he can do now is wait for the end, right. ]
[ still, he feels he's lost something here. that the anger would almost be preferable, that this has a finality to it that makes his stomach twist. and there is still so much to do before the end. ]
[ He knows it's insane, unreasonable, and unfair to think that for some reason he had any right to break Siffrin's neck in front of god and everybody at the trial, rob them of a righteous name to vote. Doesn't matter what he's thinking in the throes of rage and grief, emotions are another beast that don't adhere to logic. Only impulse, and whatever feels right in that moment.
So yeah, he was mad. And yeah, unreasonable and unfair or not, he feels it lingering. But it ebbs into exhaustion with the apology, the sympathy, returning in kind. ]
[ he does a half shrug at that. the just name to vote for even fades into the background. he was never upset with yves or saber or uruha. it was that if marcoh had killed siffrin right there, it would have ended up being marcoh in that arena with someone else innocent, hurting each other for no purpose. that is the nightmare scenario he wanted to try and stop.
but he won't begrudge someone insane or unreasonable opinions, he has them himself all the time. ]
Get some sleep, Marcoh. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.
... My mentor once taught me an adage about healing. The two great cure-alls. If you are angry with everyone, eat something. If you believe everyone is angry with you, go to sleep.
It cures more than you'd think.
[ but. he'll turn to leave him be now, waving a hand over a shoulder. ]
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no subject
Because it didn't seem like you.
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[ As a monster. he was born into death, into the threat of possession at any moment, at the idea of losing your mind and self into a monster. it is the lot of the mages from the moment their magic appears. eventually, he himself had become one of those monsters too. That is what had been so important to him at the time about it. That someone had cared enough to try and stop him from becoming worse.
It's devastating to see marcoh brought so low by this.
it is a dark and somewhat desperate thought, but the idea that a soul so broken like that could be healed is one that, despite everything, carries a measure of hope. it is his own hope for himself, at the very least. he does not care for better person or not, but to be in control of his own body, his own mind, that will have to be redemption enough. ]
You told me once you thought we were similar. I only wanted the same for you. If you hate me for it, so be it, but I do not regret it. I owed you that much as your friend.
no subject
Fine. Consider no grudges held.
[ He WAS indeed mad at Anders but he's so tired. He's really just tired now, bereft of his rage, the engine is dead. All he can do now is wait for the end, right. ]
no subject
I didn't come here for that.
[ ... ]
I am sorry, if I stole something from you.
no subject
[ He knows it's insane, unreasonable, and unfair to think that for some reason he had any right to break Siffrin's neck in front of god and everybody at the trial, rob them of a righteous name to vote. Doesn't matter what he's thinking in the throes of rage and grief, emotions are another beast that don't adhere to logic. Only impulse, and whatever feels right in that moment.
So yeah, he was mad. And yeah, unreasonable and unfair or not, he feels it lingering. But it ebbs into exhaustion with the apology, the sympathy, returning in kind. ]
no subject
but he won't begrudge someone insane or unreasonable opinions, he has them himself all the time. ]
Get some sleep, Marcoh. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.
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[ If a nap fixed everything it'd be real nice. ]
I will try.
no subject
It cures more than you'd think.
[ but. he'll turn to leave him be now, waving a hand over a shoulder. ]