In the Circle, it is not allowed. Mostly for fear of unions resulting in child, but it’s not as if you are allowed anything like love whether or not that is a factor. It is seen as conspiracy, fraternization. An act to be punished. Something for the Templars to use as leverage against you. I was … with someone, for a time while I was at Kinloch Hold. It was the most content I had ever managed to be in the Circle. For a while I even stopped my escape attempts, resigned myself to life there, because at least we were together. Karl had never stepped a toe out of line, never even dreamed of leaving the Circle walls. He liked the quiet and the studying and teaching and obeying all of their rules except one. And it didn't matter, because they separated us regardless and sent him to the Kirkwall Circle. The point is punishment, not keeping us safe from anything.
Now, I have to be dedicated to the cause. Feelings like that are a distraction, and a detriment. I cannot choose my personal feelings over the mages. I would only end up breaking someone’s heart.
there's been things here that have frustrated yves, amidst all the murder, but this earns a special spot among them. yves' own society doesn't prize love, considering how quickly the emotion is discarded upon becoming a reliver. but to outright disallow it? to punish it? to know that anders himself experienced such happiness only for it to disappear right from his fingers—
his brow furrows and he turns to face anders directly. he continues to hold onto his hand, but his other one finds his friend's shoulder ]
Someone else can choose you, even if you choose the mages. [ because he couldn't dream of asking anders not to, knowing what a difficult fight that is ] Someone can choose the mages with you, if they truly love you.
I won't say your life's work isn't important. Of course it is.
But to love and be loved is the exact type of spiteful act that should still be welcomed, especially if cruel people tell you otherwise.
You are not any less deserving of love just because you have more than one passion in your heart, my friend.
I'm sorry to break the news, my friend... but I think the passion that you carry is a very wonderful thing, even if sometimes it feels so overwhelming that it's painful.
[ merrill had told him the same thing once. that he believed in things. in freedom, in mages. in bad templars and good spirits. with more fire than the sun. enough it would one day probably burn everything to the ground. ]
I don't know any other way to be anymore. Even here, where we are supposed to be nothing but ourselves - I am still unable to set it down.
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Poison your—oh...
[ looking sad... and patting anders on the shoulder ]
... I'm sorry it tampered with your mind like that. That's the worst emotion of them all to have manipulated. It makes sense to be upset.
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It’s fine. It’s for the best. It would not have worked in any case.
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but yves' frown intensifies then before he shakes his head ]
Maybe so. But that doesn't mean that love won't come for you. And when it does, I hope it is gentle and everything that you could've dreamed of.
Please don't take this as some indicator about what you're deserving of... because it's not.
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What is it that makes love so important to you?
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[ he's a little hesitant to admit it, but anders has been so open that it doesn't occur to yves to shy away now. ]
Because I think... it can be very lonely without it. Or without anyone who would acknowledge your existence at all.
So even if true love never comes for me... I don't want anyone to feel like they cannot be loved, like I did.
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[ he does just listen to all of that, wrapping an arm over his chest and squeezing his fingers against his arm. ]
I don't know any mage that has dared to fall in love. It is not permitted in the Circle.
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affection week is over for everyone else but not for yves. he'll reach out to take a hold of anders' free hand, just to hold onto ]
Not permitted...? Why?
[ he read some of the things that were posted on chipper but lacked proper context to fully understand ]
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Now, I have to be dedicated to the cause. Feelings like that are a distraction, and a detriment. I cannot choose my personal feelings over the mages. I would only end up breaking someone’s heart.
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there's been things here that have frustrated yves, amidst all the murder, but this earns a special spot among them. yves' own society doesn't prize love, considering how quickly the emotion is discarded upon becoming a reliver. but to outright disallow it? to punish it? to know that anders himself experienced such happiness only for it to disappear right from his fingers—
his brow furrows and he turns to face anders directly. he continues to hold onto his hand, but his other one finds his friend's shoulder ]
Someone else can choose you, even if you choose the mages. [ because he couldn't dream of asking anders not to, knowing what a difficult fight that is ] Someone can choose the mages with you, if they truly love you.
I won't say your life's work isn't important. Of course it is.
But to love and be loved is the exact type of spiteful act that should still be welcomed, especially if cruel people tell you otherwise.
You are not any less deserving of love just because you have more than one passion in your heart, my friend.
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... I wouldn't worry about finding love again. I think you make it pretty easy.
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yves just smiles at this though, and very sincerely: ]
I'm glad you already know I love you. You're very easy to love.
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I'm not. I try not to.
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I'm sorry to break the news, my friend... but I think the passion that you carry is a very wonderful thing, even if sometimes it feels so overwhelming that it's painful.
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I don't know any other way to be anymore. Even here, where we are supposed to be nothing but ourselves - I am still unable to set it down.
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[ it's the one part of redemption that yves struggles with. the idea of being 'better'.
what does that even mean? ]