[ okay, good. holding his hand tightly - i'd say enough to hurt, but that's not the kind of thing yves can feel. ]
I do not think you are perfect, or beyond reproach. But I believe you have good in your heart, and more kindness than anyone should carry.
I won't argue that you didn't betray her. You did. But sometimes that is necessary. I broke Hawke's trust, when I destroyed the Chantry. And I did it because I loved him, because I did not want him caught in the violence of that decision. And you have broken Firefly's trust because you did not want to see her suffer a worse fate. We have both had to hurt and kill more than our share of people we love. I think-- Everything I feel, everything I want, my love is too violent. And perhaps yours is too. But we did it because it was the best and often only way we knew how to love them.
I know you are seeking condemnation because it will match the feeling in your heart right now. That you are desperate for someone to see the parts of yourself that are ugly, and frightening. But I see them, and I am not afraid. And if you are not willing to condemn me for that same ugliness, if you are still willing to love me, then you cannot ask me to not return the same for you.
[ he really can't feel any type of pain if anders squeezes that heart—but it does feel like he's also reached right into yves' ribcage to give his heart a squeeze.
not for the first time, he does believe that he and anders have so frequently been on the different sides of the same coin. if there's anyone who can understand yves' hang-ups about killing a friend, it's him. it was one of their earliest conversations, and...
it echoes again now.
despite himself, and everything he does to keep it together, tears spill over before he can stop them even as a feeling of awe and surprise overtakes him. for all that yves gives so endlessly and generously, not once did he ever anticipate that someone would return the same to him. ]
... Anders, I...
[ words fail him, but the gratitude is obvious. the way that even now, there is something in yves that instinctively wants to reach back out to what anders is offering. to hold onto this offered affection as his lifeline through all the despair he feels. ]
[ he's thought to himself before that yves is like a spirit in a great many ways. at least, the ways he's forced himself into being. the maker's first, imperfect children. but all spirits live on a spectrum - can be twisted from their purpose by circumstance or tragedy. justice can turn to vengeance, wisdom to pride, love to obsession. the difference between anders' relationship to others and to yves is fairly simple: justice cares a great deal about him too, because he is a kindred spirit. maybe not the same thing, but the same type of animal.
squeezing the hand again, but letting him cry. sometimes that can be a good thing, to feel things. but he gets it. so much of his time here has been spent arguing with others about the ways in which he himself is frightening, ugly and burdened, and others refusing to acknowledge that part of himself. he doesn't want to deny yves that. some of it is ugly and bloody and cruel. but he's not alone with that. ]
I think this is penance enough. You have more than punished yourself, and nothing we can do will bring anyone any sort of satisfaction.
[ is it really? is this enough? when he is the one left on this side, breathing and heart beating, is it enough that he just feels a bit sorry for himself? especially when everyone else is offering only sorrows and softness, their understanding somehow being both what yves craves and what he is afraid to accept.
still... it is a little easier to hear from anders. from justice. to know what is and isn't worthy of his pain, and how much he needs to suffer under the burdens of his own actions. it is not enough to absolve him entirely, yves being a far more arrogant and stubborn creature than he ever lets on, but... meaningful. heartwarming. ]
... I'll try to believe you. I want to, even if... I'm nervous, too.
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Yves.
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looks at anders with truly just the most lost look on his face ]
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I do not think you are perfect, or beyond reproach. But I believe you have good in your heart, and more kindness than anyone should carry.
I won't argue that you didn't betray her. You did. But sometimes that is necessary. I broke Hawke's trust, when I destroyed the Chantry. And I did it because I loved him, because I did not want him caught in the violence of that decision. And you have broken Firefly's trust because you did not want to see her suffer a worse fate. We have both had to hurt and kill more than our share of people we love. I think-- Everything I feel, everything I want, my love is too violent. And perhaps yours is too. But we did it because it was the best and often only way we knew how to love them.
I know you are seeking condemnation because it will match the feeling in your heart right now. That you are desperate for someone to see the parts of yourself that are ugly, and frightening. But I see them, and I am not afraid. And if you are not willing to condemn me for that same ugliness, if you are still willing to love me, then you cannot ask me to not return the same for you.
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not for the first time, he does believe that he and anders have so frequently been on the different sides of the same coin. if there's anyone who can understand yves' hang-ups about killing a friend, it's him. it was one of their earliest conversations, and...
it echoes again now.
despite himself, and everything he does to keep it together, tears spill over before he can stop them even as a feeling of awe and surprise overtakes him. for all that yves gives so endlessly and generously, not once did he ever anticipate that someone would return the same to him. ]
... Anders, I...
[ words fail him, but the gratitude is obvious. the way that even now, there is something in yves that instinctively wants to reach back out to what anders is offering. to hold onto this offered affection as his lifeline through all the despair he feels. ]
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squeezing the hand again, but letting him cry. sometimes that can be a good thing, to feel things. but he gets it. so much of his time here has been spent arguing with others about the ways in which he himself is frightening, ugly and burdened, and others refusing to acknowledge that part of himself. he doesn't want to deny yves that. some of it is ugly and bloody and cruel. but he's not alone with that. ]
I think this is penance enough. You have more than punished yourself, and nothing we can do will bring anyone any sort of satisfaction.
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still... it is a little easier to hear from anders. from justice. to know what is and isn't worthy of his pain, and how much he needs to suffer under the burdens of his own actions. it is not enough to absolve him entirely, yves being a far more arrogant and stubborn creature than he ever lets on, but... meaningful. heartwarming. ]
... I'll try to believe you. I want to, even if... I'm nervous, too.