[ he isn't sure he can agree to that. it probably is more noble to die a hero than to die shivering and afraid. it is what he came to believe once he was Vengeance, after all. he would rather die fighting. that is the kind of animal he is now. it is how he should be. it is just that without Justice, that bolster of virtue, he is a worse, more shameful creature.
he doesn't know about how he feels telling anyone else this part of the story, ever, but-- he can't and doesn't want to hide it from Shadowheart. ]
... Karl was there. [ i guess she doesn't know who Karl was. ] My-- An old friend of mine. [ okay. why is he just saying friend. i don't know. she is probably smart enough to get the picture. ] He asked me to do what must be done, and then took my mind. I was nothing but a Tranquil. It was ... horrible. All of the color and sound in the world is gone. Nothing means anything, beyond the most basic of impulses. I was a sleepwalker. It was worse than death.
[well. silly medieval fantasy version of jesus fucking christ goes here. that's horrifying. i'm glad we're already hugging and never said whether the hug stopped or not.
on the other hand, she can only put this part bluntly - ]
I saw a woman I have known for about two weeks. She told me to kill the people in there, so I did.
[yes, there was that funny, unfocused feeling. but also, she just did it. she didn't really question it. she wasn't turned into some version of herself lacking in free will.]
[haha fuck that is very upsetting, too. at least two of them are lmao got 'em.
she just nods. and because she tried to prove a point in the way she said it, when he was very honest - ]
If you knew Karlach, it would be easier to understand. I never cared about helping people. It was always her. And it was her this time, insisting that I couldn't give up on the town, that I had to help them.
[she wanted to be convinced of that, so it was easy to do so. and once she had decided, no matter was words she voiced in disagreement, that she was going to help, when the supposed solution was awful, she was already in deep.]
But Richie remembered us, from when we were children. [the fact that he remembered her, knew her - more than it being richie specifically, that's what freaked her out too much to continue.]
[ that explanation makes sense, there are people like that in the world. charismatic. charm seems shallow to describe it, but a force so powerful it is impossible to resist. the type of person who you meet and two weeks later you follow them into the deep roads against your better judgment. ]
The Warden Commander was like that.
[ and he'd drunk darkspawn blood for her, two days after meeting. so. it's fine. sometimes Women happen. ]
So, some version of Richie that was only in the dream.
Edited (well she said that i need to rephrase) 2025-03-14 16:34 (UTC)
Doesn't it feel like it used us to get revenge on them somehow?
[well, she would know better than to think that, but she's feeling paranoid about it. like maybe, in some fundamental non-dream sense, they did something to help It actually hurt these people.]
He was trying to apologize. When we were looking for Bax, I ran into him and he promised to help look. He told me to stay away from the water and the sewer, and then... [she swallows.] It seemed like he remembered that too, remembered that we'd gone missing after. Felt guilty about it.
[ are they still in the hug. if they are, he's squeezing a little tighter. it definitely does feel as if they were used as instruments, that once It had consumed them, it used them as it saw fit to dispose of its enemies. and then, once their purpose had been served, was more than happy to dispose of its used toys. ]
We were puppets.
[ he's not a good person. he's not a good person, with good thoughts, like this karlach, or a hero, or fidelio, so ... ]
Maybe he should have felt guilty. They didn't exactly warn us what was down there. They didn't offer to come, if they knew it so well.
[sure. i think at this point maybe they have found a place to sit. the word puppets hits harshly with her. she can't deny that it's a fair one, but she hates it.
she tried so hard. after everything elysia had said to her, had done for her, she didn't want to fail her. she started out this week thinking that it was going to be different from now on, because she was going to make it so. she wasn't going to stay mired in ugly grievances, she was going to find the new path elysia had hoped she would find.
and then it all went wrong so immediately.
she's trying to keep a brave face because he was so obviously destroyed by what happened to him, and maybe if she acts as though it didn't destroy her too, it will help, but she still cries helpless tears and feels ridiculous, a fool, for every thinking she could accomplish these things just by trying to believe in it.
she thinks he's right, but she doesn't have it in her to blame richie for it. she had lashed out at him with the very same accusation right before she killed him, and watched him hate himself over it.]
If they'd told us, would it have changed anything?
[it would have only guaranteed they'd go down there, into the sewer, to die.]
[ he doesn't want to let go, so even if they're sitting somewhere, he'll hold on. a hand, or leaning against her shoulder.
the brave face might not help, but there is something about her becoming so upset and helpless that-- if he begins to believe himself a monster for this, then he is casting that shadow on her as well. and that doesn't feel right, either. ]
No. We'd have all just died horrible deaths. But there's nothing wrong with a little bitterness when things go wrong. [ some attempt at levity. being a good person even in the confines of your own mind all the time is an impossible task, except maybe for elysia. ]
I don't know what this makes us, but I don't want you to think-- You're important to me. To many people. Even if you are capable of these things.
[well, no disagreement there. she doesn't want to feel bitter towards richie, that's all there is too it. if we want to say fuck beverly, that's fine.
he's probably right, that there's no virtue in her pretending that any of this is okay, nothing about it that helps him or anyone else. she's used to holding people at an arms' length, trying to make sure they know she'll be fine and not to be too concerned about her. but it does break her heart a little, that he's the one who first tries to say something like this.]
You are important to me, too. [squeezing his hand.] And you are no monster. What they did to you, what they made you, it was cruel and wrong.
[ she is the first person he is willing to believe when they say he is not a monster. it always rings so falsely optimistic from everyone else. but she has seen the worst he can do, and he doesn't think of her as a flatterer, or a liar, or someone desperate to fix something that perhaps cannot be fixed. ]
I ... think Justice helps me. Everyone acts as if it is me, restraining him. But he tempers me. I could not have done those things, if he had been there.
You wouldn't have done those things if they hadn't forced you. The person you are now wouldn't want to do them. [it really has nothing to do with justice.] I don't know that I agree he tempers you. [because he obviously fucking doesn't.]
...It's only that it seems as though you aren't always in control of that, either, and that would be frightening to me.
[she wouldn't be saying any of this, not tonight, except he brought it up. something she does herself sometimes - say something that she's been worrying about as though she's sure of the answer, see if the ones she says it to agree or disagree.]
Even if you have more reason to trust him than you might trust others.
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he doesn't know about how he feels telling anyone else this part of the story, ever, but-- he can't and doesn't want to hide it from Shadowheart. ]
... Karl was there. [ i guess she doesn't know who Karl was. ] My-- An old friend of mine. [ okay. why is he just saying friend. i don't know. she is probably smart enough to get the picture. ] He asked me to do what must be done, and then took my mind. I was nothing but a Tranquil. It was ... horrible. All of the color and sound in the world is gone. Nothing means anything, beyond the most basic of impulses. I was a sleepwalker. It was worse than death.
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on the other hand, she can only put this part bluntly - ]
I saw a woman I have known for about two weeks. She told me to kill the people in there, so I did.
[yes, there was that funny, unfocused feeling. but also, she just did it. she didn't really question it. she wasn't turned into some version of herself lacking in free will.]
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Who were they?
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[she answers him, but it catches up with her that she hates that answer.]
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Kaworu, Ben, and Hawke.
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she just nods. and because she tried to prove a point in the way she said it, when he was very honest - ]
If you knew Karlach, it would be easier to understand. I never cared about helping people. It was always her. And it was her this time, insisting that I couldn't give up on the town, that I had to help them.
[she wanted to be convinced of that, so it was easy to do so. and once she had decided, no matter was words she voiced in disagreement, that she was going to help, when the supposed solution was awful, she was already in deep.]
But Richie remembered us, from when we were children. [the fact that he remembered her, knew her - more than it being richie specifically, that's what freaked her out too much to continue.]
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The Warden Commander was like that.
[ and he'd drunk darkspawn blood for her, two days after meeting. so. it's fine. sometimes Women happen. ]
So, some version of Richie that was only in the dream.
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[two arms and everything.]
Doesn't it feel like it used us to get revenge on them somehow?
[well, she would know better than to think that, but she's feeling paranoid about it. like maybe, in some fundamental non-dream sense, they did something to help It actually hurt these people.]
He was trying to apologize. When we were looking for Bax, I ran into him and he promised to help look. He told me to stay away from the water and the sewer, and then... [she swallows.] It seemed like he remembered that too, remembered that we'd gone missing after. Felt guilty about it.
[and then she just stabbed him. oopsie.]
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We were puppets.
[ he's not a good person. he's not a good person, with good thoughts, like this karlach, or a hero, or fidelio, so ... ]
Maybe he should have felt guilty. They didn't exactly warn us what was down there. They didn't offer to come, if they knew it so well.
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she tried so hard. after everything elysia had said to her, had done for her, she didn't want to fail her. she started out this week thinking that it was going to be different from now on, because she was going to make it so. she wasn't going to stay mired in ugly grievances, she was going to find the new path elysia had hoped she would find.
and then it all went wrong so immediately.
she's trying to keep a brave face because he was so obviously destroyed by what happened to him, and maybe if she acts as though it didn't destroy her too, it will help, but she still cries helpless tears and feels ridiculous, a fool, for every thinking she could accomplish these things just by trying to believe in it.
she thinks he's right, but she doesn't have it in her to blame richie for it. she had lashed out at him with the very same accusation right before she killed him, and watched him hate himself over it.]
If they'd told us, would it have changed anything?
[it would have only guaranteed they'd go down there, into the sewer, to die.]
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the brave face might not help, but there is something about her becoming so upset and helpless that-- if he begins to believe himself a monster for this, then he is casting that shadow on her as well. and that doesn't feel right, either. ]
No. We'd have all just died horrible deaths. But there's nothing wrong with a little bitterness when things go wrong. [ some attempt at levity. being a good person even in the confines of your own mind all the time is an impossible task, except maybe for elysia. ]
I don't know what this makes us, but I don't want you to think-- You're important to me. To many people. Even if you are capable of these things.
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he's probably right, that there's no virtue in her pretending that any of this is okay, nothing about it that helps him or anyone else. she's used to holding people at an arms' length, trying to make sure they know she'll be fine and not to be too concerned about her. but it does break her heart a little, that he's the one who first tries to say something like this.]
You are important to me, too. [squeezing his hand.] And you are no monster. What they did to you, what they made you, it was cruel and wrong.
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I ... think Justice helps me. Everyone acts as if it is me, restraining him. But he tempers me. I could not have done those things, if he had been there.
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You wouldn't have done those things if they hadn't forced you. The person you are now wouldn't want to do them. [it really has nothing to do with justice.] I don't know that I agree he tempers you. [because he obviously fucking doesn't.]
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[ there it is. ]
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I can see how that would be a help, to know.
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[she wouldn't be saying any of this, not tonight, except he brought it up. something she does herself sometimes - say something that she's been worrying about as though she's sure of the answer, see if the ones she says it to agree or disagree.]
Even if you have more reason to trust him than you might trust others.