Well-- Anywhere isn't Kirkwall. There's a Circle, and Templars of course, but I don't think their hold is as strong. Likely about the same as where I came from in Ferelden. Though without my phylactery, it's easier for me to disappear.
[ well the upside of antiva is that it's currently not having to recover from a horrible blight! don't worry about veilguard. ]
For a time, most likely. I'll be a fugitive either way. Though likely easier if the world believes I am dead. Still, I-- couldn't exactly leave my work unfinished.
You're a mage, too. And you've been through things because of it that... [well, she can imagine, but it still isn't fair.] Don't you get to be free? Or is that not justice?
I do not think it is Justice's form of justice, no.
He is a Spirit, he does not have a concept of giving up, or putting something aside. For a few years, I put the cause aside in Kirkwall. I focused on my clinic, on work with Hawke, on living a life as best as I could, but it came back worse in the end. I could not ignore it forever.
Mizu and I decoded Charlie's letter on Saturday. We realized Claude was the culprit, and if Saber and Uruha hadn't acted so quickly, we would have killed him.
[ they're still on a freaking gondola!!! well he's taking the sunglasses off now which probably adds a level of queer camp to the amount of shock and upset he's feeling on this. ]
What-- And you didn't tell me? I would have - You know I would have helped.
[despite how funny that visual is, she's frowning.]
I trust you more than anyone here, and I know you would help. But I also know that you would have to. There I things I can't tell you, because it will start a chain of events where you can no longer choose not to be involved.
[ he is hunched, defensive, but look if anyone can try and tell him this sort of thing then shadowheart has probably earned the right.
still. ]
... Justice is the reason I can hold myself together. I am not a separate person from him. I would have to, because that is who I am, and always will be.
I don't think there is enough of me or him left to stand on our own. You saw me without him. A coward, a monster, who has no control over himself.
No. There are times he does things you don't want to, I've seen it.
[the corndog... but also hawke, trying to attack him at trial. sighing, her mouth twisting a little, as she decides how to approach this.]
And I did see you, and I don't believe any of that of you, but I'm not trying to tell you to stand on your own or get rid of him. I just...
You should be able to decide that something is or isn't right for you and do it. If he is only part of you, and not controlling you, that should be possible.
So that's something. I suppose it's hard to say the difference between resisting your own impulses and resisting his.
Still. There are certainly worse things to attempt to seize control of someone's mind than him. But it's hard for me to imagine having a friendly relationship with something that could and occasionally did override my wishes.
Maybe it's more that... I wonder if he can change.
I don't believe he is static, or unchanging. The Fade is not a static or unchanging place, and Spirits are borne of that nature.
... And it's not as if he hasn't changed before. Most Spirits want to know more about life, our world. When I first met him, he was inhabiting the corpse of a Grey Warden. Kristoff. He wanted to learn all he could about Kristoff's life, he cared about his past. His regrets. The things he could do to see justice done for the wrongs done to him in his life.
Then maybe... He cares about Kirkwall and the mages because you care, but, if he cares about your life, your regrets, then he could allow you to change. To want different things for yourself.
It's not just me anymore. It hasn't been for a very long time. Whoever Anders was, alone, that man is dead. You have never known him, and I barely did.
[ if it's about wanting things for himself, then justice is a part of that too, isn't it? ]
Everyone wants to think I am fighting him, but we've never disagreed on much of anything.
I'm just... trying to get you to agree that you don't necessarily have to return to the place where they tortured you and killed you. If your answer is that you're going to anyway because you agree on everything, then at least don't use him as an excuse.
[he is the one who was saying justice is the reason he has to go back! annoying man.]
I'm not going back! I already said that I wouldn't.
[ he is just saying that it will be a checkmark in an irredeemable column when he is judged by the maker for daring to not going back to where he was tortured and killed.
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Ow, ow-- I was joking! It's nice! Ow.
[ ow. ]
I always did want to go to Antiva. I should have gone there instead of Kirkwall.
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[is it safer there for him?]
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[ it probably is. it's not fucking kirkwall. ]
Well-- Anywhere isn't Kirkwall. There's a Circle, and Templars of course, but I don't think their hold is as strong. Likely about the same as where I came from in Ferelden. Though without my phylactery, it's easier for me to disappear.
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Is that what you'd do, if you wound up going back? Disappear?
[or would he throw himself right back into the middle of it?]
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For a time, most likely. I'll be a fugitive either way. Though likely easier if the world believes I am dead. Still, I-- couldn't exactly leave my work unfinished.
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If you do all of this effort just to go back and blow something else up and get arrested and get executed again, I'll kill you.
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I was never arrested.
[ they just decided to do all that without a trial. ]
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And was any other part of what I said wrong?
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It would be a betrayal, to have started this war and then just go-- live somewhere.
[ would it? ]
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Why? You gave your life for it. What more can you owe than that?
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I would give as many lives as it takes to free us. [ a long pause though. ] Justice-- Has been dedicated to this task.
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He is a Spirit, he does not have a concept of giving up, or putting something aside. For a few years, I put the cause aside in Kirkwall. I focused on my clinic, on work with Hawke, on living a life as best as I could, but it came back worse in the end. I could not ignore it forever.
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[frowning. they're still on a gondola.]
Mizu and I decoded Charlie's letter on Saturday. We realized Claude was the culprit, and if Saber and Uruha hadn't acted so quickly, we would have killed him.
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What-- And you didn't tell me? I would have - You know I would have helped.
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[despite how funny that visual is, she's frowning.]
I trust you more than anyone here, and I know you would help. But I also know that you would have to. There I things I can't tell you, because it will start a chain of events where you can no longer choose not to be involved.
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still. ]
... Justice is the reason I can hold myself together. I am not a separate person from him. I would have to, because that is who I am, and always will be.
I don't think there is enough of me or him left to stand on our own. You saw me without him. A coward, a monster, who has no control over himself.
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[the corndog... but also hawke, trying to attack him at trial. sighing, her mouth twisting a little, as she decides how to approach this.]
And I did see you, and I don't believe any of that of you, but I'm not trying to tell you to stand on your own or get rid of him. I just...
You should be able to decide that something is or isn't right for you and do it. If he is only part of you, and not controlling you, that should be possible.
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[ fair enough. ]
... I have been trying. To keep it under control. When Firefly-- I didn't want to hurt her, as much as I thought I would have to.
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Still. There are certainly worse things to attempt to seize control of someone's mind than him. But it's hard for me to imagine having a friendly relationship with something that could and occasionally did override my wishes.
Maybe it's more that... I wonder if he can change.
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... And it's not as if he hasn't changed before. Most Spirits want to know more about life, our world. When I first met him, he was inhabiting the corpse of a Grey Warden. Kristoff. He wanted to learn all he could about Kristoff's life, he cared about his past. His regrets. The things he could do to see justice done for the wrongs done to him in his life.
And he changed in Kirkwall as well.
[ for the worse! ]
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[ if it's about wanting things for himself, then justice is a part of that too, isn't it? ]
Everyone wants to think I am fighting him, but we've never disagreed on much of anything.
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[he is the one who was saying justice is the reason he has to go back! annoying man.]
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[ he is just saying that it will be a checkmark in an irredeemable column when he is judged by the maker for daring to not going back to where he was tortured and killed.
he is a very fucking annoying man. ]
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