[ he does a snort at that because so true, bestie. ]
All of us have experienced loss in our time here. If I must force him to stay alive because it is what Uruha would wish, then I will do it, but I will not relish it.
Right, but I'm not being terribly dramatic I don't feel.
[I doubt I could ever feel that way about anyone. like, the sort of passion that would lead you to midtrial or die for someone you love is something that was beaten out of her year after year. she's more the sort of person who would be capable of calmly killing her own parents because they told her it was for the best. not that that has happened yet.]
[ It isn't a better way to feel anyway. he does get this way, the kind of person to become so embroiled in the emotion he would rather kill or die. but he recognizes it isn't good. it is the kind of feeling that destroys you from the inside out rather than improves anything for anyone. ]
[sorry, she knows he's right, but she just starts crying a little anyway. something about the shape of the envy demon she's been dealing with these past couple days, on top of everything else.]
well, coming over to just hug her again, not really saying anything except to just hold his friend, who he does strongly believe would kill or die for the things she loves. ]
[she would, she just wouldn't make herself go crazy over it. always a bit of that pragmatism to it, unless it's really the end of the road.
hugging him back. she knows this is stupid. she knows this is not about fighting for the things you care for, but more the destructive sort of tendency that she doesn't want.]
...It's only that, the reason the rest of them went mad and I didn't - it was Richie asking, and also about my parents, but I wouldn't agree to help them.
[maybe she just clocked it as sus. or maybe she's just the only one who could be asked to save three people who presumably matter to her most and be willing to take the gamble not to agree. there's that envious voice just saying, it's some quality they have and you don't, because you've been ruined.]
[ well there's a reason she had maintained her sanity and her body and had the autonomy to at least try and help them while the rest of them lost everything. ]
This is how a mage must live their life every day where I am from. We are pressed at by demons almost every moment of our lives. They know our fears, our insecurities, our doubts, and will try any tactic to see you agree to it - even now, you are sitting here believing yourself to be somehow failing still, despite seeing through that trick.
That is the type of person you must be to survive at times. If you are asking my opiinion on it ... then I think it means you are a person who knows, at least on some level, you can trust yourself.
[ to know that what is being offered is a false promise means you might be bitter, hardened against the world, but at least for Shadowheart he doesn't see her as a pessimistic person. She sees hope despite having experienced all the worst the world has to offer, even if tempered by reality. Maybe that makes her a little broken, but everyone is broken in some way. ]
[she doesn't feel like a person who knows she can trust herself... but she knows he's right, otherwise. she knows she cares, it's just hard to get attached to a person knowing there's no future there anyway, or at least, any future for her to find her parents doesn't work with a future with him. and it's hard not to wish she was slightly less practical about it.]
I know. I do not want to fall for tricks, I do not want to continue being manipulated.
[but having guard against that means always having guard.]
I'm not sure it's easier at all, but it isn't easy to be the one left standing.
[phew.]
I'm fairly calm about it now, but at the time, I didn't even remember having ever fought before. [so it was pretty bad to have to suddenly take out all of her friends.] Is that something that actually happened to you, or just... nonsense?
Those exact events? Not so much to me. It sounds a great deal like what the Warden-Commander might have experienced, however - if a bit disjointed. I was gone by the time the Circle fell, but she left to fight at Ostagar and returned shortly after. It was during the Blight.
[ he realizes this is probably a bunch of nonsense to shadowheart. so. ]
I was Harrowed, I've seen friends turn into demons, and I certainly was not taught to fight - they'd much prefer you have no idea how to defend yourself against a Templar or anything else swinging a sword at you. They want you to feel helpless in the real world. And the Ferelden Circle fell to demons and was almost annuled. But that particular series of events happened after I was already gone.
Similar to mine, maybe. A group of Sharrans sent on a mission to secure an artefact is something that happened, but it was a different artefact. When I was asked to kill the Nightsong, I was with my companions from the Nautiloid, and they aren't exactly supporters of Lady Shar.
[which made a big difference. if she was fighting against a group of fellow sharrans she would have wanted to act first. whereas she was with a group of people who generally supported her and cared about her but did not want to see her kill this woman.]
You stayed and fought with us, in this one. [But clearly should not have.]
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All of us have experienced loss in our time here. If I must force him to stay alive because it is what Uruha would wish, then I will do it, but I will not relish it.
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First boyfriends are always hard. I was terribly dramatic when they sent Karl to Kirkwall too, I suppose.
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[she has... never had a boyfriend before... i mean, probably she and nocturne were smooching a lot, but she doesn't know.]
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[ Oh. I thought-- ]
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[ wow ]
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[slightly embarrassed.]
Right, but I'm not being terribly dramatic I don't feel.
[I doubt I could ever feel that way about anyone. like, the sort of passion that would lead you to midtrial or die for someone you love is something that was beaten out of her year after year. she's more the sort of person who would be capable of calmly killing her own parents because they told her it was for the best. not that that has happened yet.]
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[ It isn't a better way to feel anyway. he does get this way, the kind of person to become so embroiled in the emotion he would rather kill or die. but he recognizes it isn't good. it is the kind of feeling that destroys you from the inside out rather than improves anything for anyone. ]
It's ... not a good way to be.
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Sorry. I know.
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well, coming over to just hug her again, not really saying anything except to just hold his friend, who he does strongly believe would kill or die for the things she loves. ]
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hugging him back. she knows this is stupid. she knows this is not about fighting for the things you care for, but more the destructive sort of tendency that she doesn't want.]
...It's only that, the reason the rest of them went mad and I didn't - it was Richie asking, and also about my parents, but I wouldn't agree to help them.
[maybe she just clocked it as sus. or maybe she's just the only one who could be asked to save three people who presumably matter to her most and be willing to take the gamble not to agree. there's that envious voice just saying, it's some quality they have and you don't, because you've been ruined.]
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This is how a mage must live their life every day where I am from. We are pressed at by demons almost every moment of our lives. They know our fears, our insecurities, our doubts, and will try any tactic to see you agree to it - even now, you are sitting here believing yourself to be somehow failing still, despite seeing through that trick.
That is the type of person you must be to survive at times. If you are asking my opiinion on it ... then I think it means you are a person who knows, at least on some level, you can trust yourself.
[ to know that what is being offered is a false promise means you might be bitter, hardened against the world, but at least for Shadowheart he doesn't see her as a pessimistic person. She sees hope despite having experienced all the worst the world has to offer, even if tempered by reality. Maybe that makes her a little broken, but everyone is broken in some way. ]
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I know. I do not want to fall for tricks, I do not want to continue being manipulated.
[but having guard against that means always having guard.]
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I know.
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[wiping her face.]
I do feel a little less envious of Fidelio.
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It's definitely easier to just be the insane one.
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[phew.]
I'm fairly calm about it now, but at the time, I didn't even remember having ever fought before. [so it was pretty bad to have to suddenly take out all of her friends.] Is that something that actually happened to you, or just... nonsense?
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Those exact events? Not so much to me. It sounds a great deal like what the Warden-Commander might have experienced, however - if a bit disjointed. I was gone by the time the Circle fell, but she left to fight at Ostagar and returned shortly after. It was during the Blight.
[ he realizes this is probably a bunch of nonsense to shadowheart. so. ]
I was Harrowed, I've seen friends turn into demons, and I certainly was not taught to fight - they'd much prefer you have no idea how to defend yourself against a Templar or anything else swinging a sword at you. They want you to feel helpless in the real world. And the Ferelden Circle fell to demons and was almost annuled. But that particular series of events happened after I was already gone.
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[which made a big difference. if she was fighting against a group of fellow sharrans she would have wanted to act first. whereas she was with a group of people who generally supported her and cared about her but did not want to see her kill this woman.]
You stayed and fought with us, in this one. [But clearly should not have.]
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[ a joke, mostly. but I was selfish, then. ]
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[she has also very often been quite selfish.]
If the real you wouldn't have died for some near strangers, fair enough.