[ worrying at the bandages on his hands again, frowning at the floor.
I thought-- when I was executed, he would be free. He could return to the Fade, and be what he is supposed to be. But instead I have kept him trapped here, because I cannot stand the thought of being alone.
[ he does seem to calm down a little, taking a deep breath in - reaching to rub at the bridge of his nose. ]
You do listen to my rants.
[ then again, maybe the metaphor is more ... the beaten horse turns into a screaming raging glowstick that can kick someone's head clean off their shoulders and set a forest on fire in one moment of panic. but it's not far off from what anders has said before. some dogs submit to the leash, and some remember they were wolves. ]
[ Would you like a mem back now or later, might change the flavouring of my response tag. Gives you a partial so there's something to respond to though. ]
...I have grown up extorted and beat up often, for even less. [ Because it isn't an anti-mage type thing, it's just you know, street gang type shit. No real reason to it other than because once upon a time, he was an easy target. ] I don't want to do it to others. I don't see a point in adding more cruelty, especially to people that have already suffered it.
Not as common a reaction as you might think. [ people who are treated cruel tend to turn cruel as well. make others hurt in the same way they hurt. vengeance is a powerful beast. ] I think the fact that you manage to be kind still is-- a good reflection on you. I admire you, Marcoh.
Anders can look up and see Marcoh's expression is a mixture of a little bit conflicted, but not too bad, because he's more than glad first of all that Anders seems to feel a tad better.
[ maybe it's the wrong reaction, or whatever part of anders that is already vengeance already is inclined to see this as just but-- all this really does is solidify ander's belief in marcoh, of what he's seen of him.
it also adds a lot of context to the things he's mentioned - about trying his best to reach his sister. about dying on the way. it probably has to feel like torture, being here, removed from the world and all of its problems and told to focus on your own redemption all the while knowing that your job is unfinished. ]
You have a good heart.
[ to watch him kill a man and think about the way he's killed others on slim orders and then think this, but-- ]
At least a caring one. [ "good" is subjective. to care is to try something instead of being a passive by-stander. ] And that's more important, in the end. You were trying to protect her.
[ He awkwardly stands here, unsure of how to feel. It's certainly one thing to remember what he'd done, and another thing to see it from a third's eye perspective, see the look on his face as he practically turned Riccardo's insides to soup, the cold fury and rage. He's been angry. He'd never been that angry. He'd wondered if that was just something he could always do, lying somewhere in him, only awoken when Riccardo forced his hand. Now he's even less certain.
The only reason he doesn't pull away here is because he has just enough awareness to know that he would be a hypocrite in doing so. He can't say all he said to Anders and then refuse to hear it back. It'd prove he doesn't really believe what he says. He closes his eyes. And breathes. Settle tremours of the memory being dredged up, calm down. ]
She is... my only family. And she had a chance to live a normal life. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy.
[ he isn't good at comfort, at being there for someone in need. he's tried. he should be better at this - to be a healer who cannot express sympathy is missing a vital skill, but he feels he lost some of what made him human with Justice.
but this seems simple enough. reaching over to not quite rest a hand on him, but gently touch a few fingers to his arm. ]
I don't exactly have a family, but-- You are lucky to have her. She is lucky to have you. [ well he's not blind. he's seen hawkes devotion to his family. he's been devoted to people in this way, to want them to have a life that maybe you can never have. ]
There's people in this world I would spill any amount of blood for.
...I know the intention, but maybe not say out loud you would spill blood?
[ He huffs, a gentle deflection of the comfort but without rejecting it. Marcoh never cracks jokes because he's bad at them. But he's grateful Anders is trying in his own way too. ]
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[ worrying at the bandages on his hands again, frowning at the floor.
I thought-- when I was executed, he would be free. He could return to the Fade, and be what he is supposed to be. But instead I have kept him trapped here, because I cannot stand the thought of being alone.
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[ Again, a bit more firmly. ]
The monster is the people that did this to you for no reason other than their fear. You can't blame the horse for kicking after beating it.
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You do listen to my rants.
[ then again, maybe the metaphor is more ... the beaten horse turns into a screaming raging glowstick that can kick someone's head clean off their shoulders and set a forest on fire in one moment of panic. but it's not far off from what anders has said before. some dogs submit to the leash, and some remember they were wolves. ]
But I haven't ... just killed Templars.
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[ Obviously he's not going to be like THAT'S OKAY! but... ]
... It is not in my hands to judge you. And your expression is enough to tell me it isn't something you revel in.
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I really don't know what I've done to deserve your kindness.
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...I have grown up extorted and beat up often, for even less. [ Because it isn't an anti-mage type thing, it's just you know, street gang type shit. No real reason to it other than because once upon a time, he was an easy target. ] I don't want to do it to others. I don't see a point in adding more cruelty, especially to people that have already suffered it.
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Not as common a reaction as you might think. [ people who are treated cruel tend to turn cruel as well. make others hurt in the same way they hurt. vengeance is a powerful beast. ] I think the fact that you manage to be kind still is-- a good reflection on you. I admire you, Marcoh.
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You see
Anders can look up and see Marcoh's expression is a mixture of a little bit conflicted, but not too bad, because he's more than glad first of all that Anders seems to feel a tad better.
Then he can see why he really isn't in a place to judge anyway? ]
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it also adds a lot of context to the things he's mentioned - about trying his best to reach his sister. about dying on the way. it probably has to feel like torture, being here, removed from the world and all of its problems and told to focus on your own redemption all the while knowing that your job is unfinished. ]
You have a good heart.
[ to watch him kill a man and think about the way he's killed others on slim orders and then think this, but-- ]
At least a caring one. [ "good" is subjective. to care is to try something instead of being a passive by-stander. ] And that's more important, in the end. You were trying to protect her.
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The only reason he doesn't pull away here is because he has just enough awareness to know that he would be a hypocrite in doing so. He can't say all he said to Anders and then refuse to hear it back. It'd prove he doesn't really believe what he says. He closes his eyes. And breathes. Settle tremours of the memory being dredged up, calm down. ]
She is... my only family. And she had a chance to live a normal life. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy.
[ And he fucked it up. ]
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but this seems simple enough. reaching over to not quite rest a hand on him, but gently touch a few fingers to his arm. ]
I don't exactly have a family, but-- You are lucky to have her. She is lucky to have you. [ well he's not blind. he's seen hawkes devotion to his family. he's been devoted to people in this way, to want them to have a life that maybe you can never have. ]
There's people in this world I would spill any amount of blood for.
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[ He huffs, a gentle deflection of the comfort but without rejecting it. Marcoh never cracks jokes because he's bad at them. But he's grateful Anders is trying in his own way too. ]
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I would. I think everyone here knows by now my nature.
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[ Firmly. ]
...At the least, if it is, then it is for the both of us.
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[ he'd rather care than not. ]
You'll find your way back to her.
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[ Anders is probably right. He's not sure how it is to not feel. That seems terrifying too. ]
And we will find him, for you.
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I don't know. He's a Champion, aren't they supposed to take care of their own problems?
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[ Helping comfort him in his own problems. Why not do the same? Also don't be a goober, you want Hawke back. ]
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What can I say, I have a type.
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And then gives Anders a light shove in the arm. ]