[ heyo. anders has changed back into his clothes from home, and now resembles a giant, bedraggled crow.
he will just be sort of ... wandering aimlessly outside, because he keeps stopping outside of the buildings and then clearly chickening out of going inside. it all feels deeply uncomfortable. he will especially stop in front of the church to look it over, frowning. cool cool cool no doubt. ]
matching obligatory fit check instead of sexy angel costume! though at least now i can mention that yves was probably covered in bandages beneath his angel costume earlier so it wasn't even that scandalous. if nothing else, it just shows that the lace half mask he was wearing wasn't just part of the costume - it's an outfit staple. yay!
yves has probably been going around in the background like an npc, finishing his self-assigned sidequests, though at some point he'll just... stop next to anders? new sidequest? ]
[ all that bias tape. it must have driven someone to absolute madness. he won't comment on the mask but he does clearly take a long look at it - but he's met Orlesian nobility before, where masks are almost obligatory, so it's not that unusual in the long run. ]
[ when yves catches anders looking at the mask, he just offers a simple smile. through the lace, there might be some hints of... red? black? but if there's no questions then there's no offered answers.
but even yves find this answer a little hard to decode without context ]
... hard to say? Monsieur Lucas probably went inside, but I didn't go into our church on the island very much either.
[ he has NO IDEA what to think of that, but it is a worrying thought, actually. the idea of the Multiverse is not a popular story trope in Thedas, so that's all ... so very new and strange. ]
I don't know what to make of that. It's-- You can't change the course of history. That's not a thing magic can or should do.
yves isn't affronted by the shocked laugh, though he does look concerned when the explanation comes. he squeezes anders' shoulder gently, given how tense he is but he hopes it's a little reassuring. ]
It's tough, right? To say the least. Unsure if you should even call the other person a friend, but it doesn't erase the fondness you have in your heart for them. For everything you've been through.
but it's funny - because even though yves has talked about the circumstances of his death with people already, anders asks the right one question. one where he thinks some of his own frustration and emotion can shine through. what does it mean to face a friend in your last moments? ]
... I think in the end, we agreed that it didn't come down to right or wrong. I didn't want it to be about that - what people call "good or evil". I understood why he did what he did, even if a lot of people died for it.
[ even if people will think yves is crazy or insane for still having sympathy and love for someone who committed such atrocities ]
But... if he kept going, he would've killed more people that I love—for the sake of what he loved.
So it was just... whose conviction was stronger. And I chose certain death for us both, instead of letting either of us walk.
yves is just going to pull him in for a hug? with all the slouching, they might actually be closer to the same height - but he doesn't seem too worried about that. it's just...
it feels like the action can express more than any words could. ]
[ happy week zero. anders can be found wandering around the new area, outside mostly - but he's wandered into the arcade and is ... getting very annoyed at the games as he presses random buttons and can’t quite figure out what it’s supposed to do. maybe he’s just mad he’s losing. ]
[ well its a little bit his fault, but also partially not. it's complicated. ]
Things have-- had been getting worse, in Kirkwall. I was running out of ways to control ... anything at all. No one was listening anymore, not that they ever were.
[ THIS CAN ALSO BE TUESDAY IF YOUR LOVE ARROWS WEAR OFF IDK
well everyone's getting The Afternoon i'm sorry someone said that it's yves' holiday and it's true so we must all celebrate. he's carrying along a heart balloon and a bouquet of flowers, looking delighted when he sees anders!! ]
Anders! Look at this place, isn't it fun?
[ HE LOVES THIS HOLIDAY, OTOME FUCK THAT HE IS. he'll offer out the wholeass bouquet - full of hydrangeas ]
Would you like some flowers to share with Shadowheart? Please take it as a gift of my congratulations again.
[ his love only lasted one sweet, sweet hour, and then he promptly got into a fight over another love arrow, got his feelings hurt and stomped off, and is now here. in the midst of the love holiday.
[ its fine being a nasty little jealous asshole is, in fact, canon behavior for this full grown man approaching 40. famously a big part of why he got cancelled (being mean to beautiful fenris) ]
Sure. Don’t eat strange things around here without checking if they will poison your mind first and make you humiliate yourself on Chipper.
In the Circle, it is not allowed. Mostly for fear of unions resulting in child, but it’s not as if you are allowed anything like love whether or not that is a factor. It is seen as conspiracy, fraternization. An act to be punished. Something for the Templars to use as leverage against you. I was … with someone, for a time while I was at Kinloch Hold. It was the most content I had ever managed to be in the Circle. For a while I even stopped my escape attempts, resigned myself to life there, because at least we were together. Karl had never stepped a toe out of line, never even dreamed of leaving the Circle walls. He liked the quiet and the studying and teaching and obeying all of their rules except one. And it didn't matter, because they separated us regardless and sent him to the Kirkwall Circle. The point is punishment, not keeping us safe from anything.
Now, I have to be dedicated to the cause. Feelings like that are a distraction, and a detriment. I cannot choose my personal feelings over the mages. I would only end up breaking someone’s heart.
there's been things here that have frustrated yves, amidst all the murder, but this earns a special spot among them. yves' own society doesn't prize love, considering how quickly the emotion is discarded upon becoming a reliver. but to outright disallow it? to punish it? to know that anders himself experienced such happiness only for it to disappear right from his fingers—
his brow furrows and he turns to face anders directly. he continues to hold onto his hand, but his other one finds his friend's shoulder ]
Someone else can choose you, even if you choose the mages. [ because he couldn't dream of asking anders not to, knowing what a difficult fight that is ] Someone can choose the mages with you, if they truly love you.
I won't say your life's work isn't important. Of course it is.
But to love and be loved is the exact type of spiteful act that should still be welcomed, especially if cruel people tell you otherwise.
You are not any less deserving of love just because you have more than one passion in your heart, my friend.
I'm sorry to break the news, my friend... but I think the passion that you carry is a very wonderful thing, even if sometimes it feels so overwhelming that it's painful.
[ merrill had told him the same thing once. that he believed in things. in freedom, in mages. in bad templars and good spirits. with more fire than the sun. enough it would one day probably burn everything to the ground. ]
I don't know any other way to be anymore. Even here, where we are supposed to be nothing but ourselves - I am still unable to set it down.
[ there are small pathways that anders might find through the flowers, not obvious from a distance but when you're in them it's clear that there are certain paths more well-trodden than others. like someone walked among them so very, very much
eventually the field gives way to a cliffside, and there's just a little shadowy ball of a person at the edge. there's no response, but just a bit of movement. ]
[ this place isn't all that unusual. it's something like the Fade. shaped by the distorted mirror of memories, focused by a mind influencing it. familiar territory for a mage. picking his way through one of the paths, and coming to the cliff edge to look for him there. ]
[ along the cliff's edge, anders will find him yves—or maybe it's kinder to say something yves-shaped.
because it's not quite yves, always prepared with a smile and a kind word. instead there's just a sad little mass of a young man, curled up into a ball and face pressed into his knees as he hugs them close. trying to become smaller, so small that maybe it'll make some of this ache disappear
he's trembling, so it doesn't seem to be working ]
[ it isn't the first time he's been around overwhelming grief, seen its bloody work carved into someone. it isn't as if he hasn't experienced it himself. hawke's mother, kristoff's wife, karl in the chantry with the sunburst brand on his forehead. but he feels insulated from that in some ways now. if he loses himself, there is something else to take over, to keep his body moving. yves doesn't have any such landing.
sitting down beside him, hesitating before putting a hand on his back. there's a deepness to his voice, and cracks along his skin that flicker with a eerie blue light. ]
Justice will be handed down. He will not go unavenged.
[ he stiffens at the touch that he would so usually welcome, but at the voice—anders's voice—he eases. just a little bit. just enough to be meaningful.
he sniffs, some sad and pathetic little noise. ]
... I just... want him to be here.
[ does he want justice? does he want vengeance? he's never known how to wish for those things.
he's only greedy for the few friends in this life that he's lucky enough to get ]
[ he blinks and the glow fades, though not entirely. the hand stays where it is. ]
He is. They aren't gone. At least, that is what was told to me. In some way, they are still in this realm - though perhaps damaged.
[ ... ]
When a spirit of the Fade dies or is destroyed in some way, the same thing happens. It could take a long time, and they may or may not remember a time before, but eventually they may come to be again. As long as there is something of them in the world to recall them, to echo that spirit. Compassion, or Faith, or Justice.
[ . . . something of them in the world to recall them? if there is some memory? does that mean that he needs to be here in order for adolphe's memory to live on? or— ]
He's not the type to admit it... but Adolphe gets lonely too. Even if he's damaged...
Do you think I can't go to where he is?
[ he knows how insane it must sound, especially to those who want their redemption so badly. but yves has nothing to return to. he doesn't even know if he deserves heaven. ]
[ anders' face is bloody and bruised - he hasn't bothered to clean himself up, but he doesn't seem bothered by it. just watching the ocean. he won't turn to face him. ]
... He's a spirit of the Fade. The Fade is inhabited by demons and spirits, who reflect the worst and best of our sins and virtues. Fear, Pride, Sloth. Wisdom, Faith, Love. Most of them are fascinated by our world, crave it in some way or at least want to know more of it. Demons will seek to possess mages, either through force or trickery, take over their minds and puppet their bodies. It is one of the things we are trained against, and part of the reason people fear us so much. We are vulnerable to this, because when we sleep we walk the Fade.
[ honestly, he thinks of yves a lot like a spirit - at least the way he's shaped and carries himself. an ideal. a virtue. so intent on fulfilling this purpose he has left some part of himself behind. maybe that's wrong, dehumanizing in its own way, but he doesn't think yves would hate that. ]
We met a long time ago, when I was with the Grey Wardens. He was infuriating. Frustrating to talk to, stubborn beyond all measure. Brave, and true. Maybe brave is even the wrong word. He does not know fear, so there is no other way for him to be. I was afraid all the time. It's why I ran so much, from everything. He asked me once why I did not fight for the Mages and only helped myself, and I had no good answer. He was the first person to hear about the mages and react only with a desire to see justice for them instead of fear or doubt. He was my friend.
At the time, he was trapped outside of the Fade. A blood mage had torn him from his home and left him here, in the mundane world, with only a corpse to inhabit. We agreed that ... a willing host is different than an unwitting mage. And he is a spirit, not a demon. We could help each other to do the things we could not do alone.
yves listens, and he understands a bit better now. what this fade is, what it means for anders to be speak as two and not just as one. yves holds onto his hand and nods along, indicating his understanding. the fact that he's enraptured. ]
... it sounds like you found each other when you were both in need. I'm glad that you had each other and could find that comfort, that purpose, for however long.
[ it sounds familiar in ways that he can't even begin to articulate ]
Mm... I see. If that's the case then, I'll love your Justice too.
[ without hesitation, because if the other option is to take anders piece by piece then he won't accept it.
at the mention of adolphe though, he laughs ]
He did that on purpose. [ HIS RECLUSE BESTIE ] Even though I do think that he can get along with people once he's around them...
[ he'll lean lightly against anders, but his gaze drifts out to the ocean. he breathes in the next breeze, thinking back to the island they're both from ]
... he's my best friend. If I do my best to love everyone, then I've loved Adolphe since the beginning without trying. He looks after me. He can tell me that everything will be okay, and... it's the easiest to believe from his lips. Because he's reasonable and grounded when I'm flighty and all over the place. He is specific with his affections, but he is fiercely loyal. I think... he really loves me, even if it's not the way I want to be loved.
[ present tense, like he still doesn't know how to let go ]
I feel... lost without him. Which is why I didn't want you to have to feel what I do.
[ even if hawke was the cause. even if so much was taken from yves already. he was so ready to give even more - but he knows adolphe knows this about him too. ]
[ good morning were you enjoying your day. too bad. here comes anders, who for some reason looks a lil bit younger, significantly less wet, and much less feathery than usual. he's instead got a smart blue and silver uniform, and a less receeding hairline. miracles do happen. a miraculous twink death recovery. ]
You seem like a fine, upstanding young man who can handle a fight. So I really need you to walk with me and make sure I don't get eaten, because that would be devastating.
[ he's still got bandages on his hands from last week's execution - though they're less thick and he seems a good deal better, he's hesitating a little but he'll let yves hold his hand if it makes him happy.
speaking of not in their right mind: ]
It's likely Justice will appear at least some tomorrow. I cannot always contain him, on the issues that are important to him.
[ maybe best not to ask anders' opinion if firefly was self-defense or not. ]
I know it made sense to you, but that's because you have a screw loose.
[ RICH COMING FROM SER JUSTICE but okay. he doesn't mean this in a mean way. just saying. ]
Human emotion is confusing, at least in the sense it isn't all so black and white. It's often less gray than people like to believe, but it's not so complicated in the Fade. An idea is often just that: an ideal.
but he hugs back and nuzzles affectionately into anders's shoulders like that'll prove he's really okay ]
... I don't feel pain. [ he mentioned this to laurence in trial, but it probably got lost ] I haven't since the fire.
So I don't notice when my injuries reopen, and it takes a long time for them to heal. I don't mention it because it only makes people worry about me more. So... I'm sorry.
[ nodding slightly, letting him stay there as long as he wants. his shoulders are just all covered in the feathers like normal, so maybe it's fluffy and soft and definitely itchy. ]
I've ... heard of conditions like that. It can be dangerous.
... yeah. But I normally end up okay. It really doesn't hurt, and I don't mind it... I'm also normally skilled enough to not get injured much, but when I died from a fight to the death...
[ there's a lot leftover to reopen ]
I just feel bad for being a distraction and scaring you all.
[ welcome to memshare week. starters will simply be welcome to the funhouse. a memory plays out across the mirrors - strangely disjointed in parts, as anders stands stock still and watches.
he pauses for a moment, and then holds up a fist like he's thinking of simply ... shattering the glass. ]
yves recognizes these in bits and pieces, and he shudders when he sees the behavior that the tranquil mark results in. that act of removing a person's awareness. to be a puppet. it's... it's familiar in a way, that he wished could never truly happen. his heart aches for this unhappy ending, and he turns only to see that raised fist.
so he reaches out - slowly but surely - to gently cover anders's hand with his ]
... Anders. [ softly ] Careful. You could hurt yourself.
[ he's not really a punching type of guy, so he's easy enough to dissuade from putting a fist through glass, but he does turn his back to the mirror - crossing his arms over his chest. ]
[ yves watches for a moment before placing a hand on his shoulder ]
... I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to share this with me yourself, even if I also understand if you'd never want to. But... I don't mind knowing something else about you.
He was-- the first person I was ever really with. But we hadn't been together for a long time by then.
[ he doesn't know that he'd call it love - in so much as they weren't allowed to be in love. ]
He convinced me once that we shouldn't leave the tower. I used to try escaping. All the time. But he asked me to stop, because it worried him, so I did. We could have some sort of life there, and it wouldn't be free, but we would have food and shelter and each other at least. He was the best thing about that place.
[ yves listens and he's quiet about it. and he does think that's probably true. even if it's not quite love, if it's as close as it can be without being, then he does understand how that can be enough to stay someone's hand from reaching for that front door. to feel trapped and yet so, so adoring ]
... you must've made him so very happy. For him to choose that life with you.
I think I mostly drove him insane, actually. I had a reputation.
[ but probably happy too. that's the thing about these pedestals he builds for people. there are times in their shadows he is happy. he was happy in the tower, he was happy in Kirkwall, with Hawke. for years, even. but it always crashes again. ]
Who knows. Maybe it wouldn't have lasted anyway. It's not as if we got to find out.
[ there's a little laugh at that, heartened. but he'll also place his hand to rest over anders's ]
Or you could've been lucky and had your first love be exactly who and what you needed at the time. Maybe your souls will find each other again, somehow, and you can try it out.
[ well that does explain a lot about yves. what it doesn't explain is how anyone could treat him that way. demon.abomination.possessed by death. it's enough to drive a knife of familiar rage under his skin. if he could glow, if his skin could still crack with that otherworldly light, it would be. ]
[ yves wants to argue a little bit—he really does think that people do the best they can with what information they had. but... even he knows that this would have been hard for him to watch for anyone else. because it is yves, he can excuse it.
it's just... a little nice
to have the ideal of justice itself saying that he was wronged ]
... it does still ache, sometimes. [ . . . ] Even if I try not to blame anyone.
[ yeah. maybe it's a little insight into why anders cares about Justice so much, enough to take him into his body, give up part of his mind to him entirely.
just once, it is nice to know that a spirit - which cannot lie, and cannot hide its true feelings - has heard your story, and it knows you have been treated with injustice.
anders shoulder's will slump again, as it pushes back. ]
... You did a brave thing. It should be a scar you are able to wear proudly.
he doesn't know if he can go that far—the insults and rocks thrown at him, calling him a monster and a puppet, are still in his memory. the way that people whisper about him when they think he can't hear still lingers. but...
this sentiment is one that he holds close and cherishes. maybe one day he can believe this too. ]
... maybe one day. [ a beat ] I don't regret saving her.
She's... Ceres. Adolphe's younger sister from the orphanage. [ . . . ] They treat her worse than they treat me, really... They call her Death and believe that a curse follows her that leads to people's deaths. They blamed her for that fire but...
[ he's free to look! there's gauze on yves's face, taped on where all the blood had been earlier. it's on both underneath his mask and on his other cheek entirely.
everything else is unfortunately hidden by clothes and he still moves like he's not injured at all. when he takes anders's arm though, he's cold. so cold. and shivering. ]
[ and yves offers this too readily as someone who finds himself always dying for others, rushing to their rescue before his brain can process what his body is doing
I still have the item that can heal. I understand not wanting to use it before Saturday, in case we are required to check wounds. But I feel like a monster, withholding it any longer. I would like to use it on one of you - you can decide amongst yourselves who it will be if you like.
... I've already gotten an offer. [ because people are kind, and he loves them so much. ] I've personally turned it down for now. The guilt of knowing that some of their injuries happened at my hand... I couldn't take it. And while I know it's cause for concern in some areas... I don't feel the pain they do, and it bothers me more to know that they have to endure that alongside everything else.
[ hi! anders can be found wander the Candy Castle, emotions somewhere between a simmering rage at the rich and frustration at definitely being super lost. where even is this. some sort of room for WAITING in? is that a swimming pool next door? ]
[ yves does have a little trace of unease as he wanders around in the castle, mostly in that sense of 'i'm just a lil gardener guy i have no idea what i'm doing here' kind of way. though there is still affection radiating off of him because he's just happy to be here with anders :) yay ]
Me neither. Who needs this many rooms just to sit in?
My partner was a noble before he left the life behind, and whenever we visited his parents' place, I just really realized the difference between us.
Sometimes you realize that perhaps you could be with someone regardless of their body and sometimes it's simply that you're a man who enjoys the ego-boost of flirtation but you won't ever act upon it.
[ THIS ISN'T JUDGEMENT. richie is just one of those straight boys you have to be careful to not get your heart broken by. ]
And I wouldn't say he is not my type. I don't know that I have a type as stone-set as all of that.
So many of them are saying things like Oh Yves you're just seeing things these people are nice to everyone They're your friend too you know there's nothing special here
Me? The possessed mage with violent mood swings who lived in a sewer for the past seven years and has the classic visage of the pointiest of the Anderfels?
You, a kind and handsome friend with a strong sense of passion and an admirable dedication to the well-being of other people How could anyone not adore you?
Alright alright. I wasn't actually fishing for compliments, as much as I like them.
I meant more in the sense that if everyone is pretending they are not involved with others, and it turns out they are involved with others and will have to let me down, it will make me crazy.
The very first conversation we had he began making solemn promises to kill for me and now spends every waking moment being incredibly kind and encouraging and telling me we are possessed by the same violent urges even though his are obviously much more well-meaning whereas mine involve exploding a bomb in the middle of a crowded city and beginning a war and his are to protect his sister who he loves very much it is a ridiculous assertion to begin with that we are in any way similar but how am I not supposed to have any feelings about the attempt
Okay I don't know anything about it either But... I do think it's a beautiful thing to be cared for Regardless of how anything shakes out, I hope you don't feel embarrassed about your feelings Marcoh is lucky to receive them
yves will just wander over to him, only lightly tipsy today because he's gotta keep his WITS about him! but still in a good mood and radiating fond vibes. bumping lightly into anders's side ]
That's-- all I mean. That I should have expected shenanigans.
[ maybe it's fine to be included in that. listen, if they can bald him, then they don't see him as too sensitive to Mess With ... which is probably good. ]
it takes him a while to fully wake up - he won't be completely unconscious for very long, but he's extremely dazed and out of it for a while - there's a lot going on here, but most obviously are the gaping wound on his chest - more like an animal tried to take a bite out of him - and some scattered gunshot wounds. his arm is also deeply fucked, though it's hard to tell if it's broken or not. he's covered in bruising once the blood has been cleaned off.
and then finally the sunburst brand on his forehead, though that looks nice and healed over. :)
oh and the emotions? deeply bad. just awful.
eventually he'll start moving around enough that it's clear he's awake, if groggy. ]
yves is just going to be waiting at his bedside for him to wake up then, worried. and that feeling only intensifies when he starts moving around. yves reaches out to gently place a hand over anders's ]
Anders... [ soft, but an attempt to get ahead of confusion ] Anders, you're safe. You're here.
[ yikes! yves is just exploring one of the areas where the bodies were found, vibes apprehensive. he's more serious today than any other day and bc i forgot to mention it in curfew the night before, he does have a sword at his side again finally yay
I was made Tranquil. And now that my mind is back, it is like I was locked in a lightless room, and then shoved into the noon sun. Everything is loud, and bright, and overwhelming. More than normal.
yves is just having a beer, and as anders gets closer, yves' emotions that were swirling earlier are a little easier to pick out now. guilt. failure. self-hatred. it spikes slightly at anders' words but that's not his fault. ]
... I didn't think I was too late already. Sorry.
[ he thought he'd tried to do something good for once. ]
No apologies. It's-- I should have acted myself. Instead we've let you do all the work alone. That is not a burden you should have had to carry yourself.
[ okay, good. holding his hand tightly - i'd say enough to hurt, but that's not the kind of thing yves can feel. ]
I do not think you are perfect, or beyond reproach. But I believe you have good in your heart, and more kindness than anyone should carry.
I won't argue that you didn't betray her. You did. But sometimes that is necessary. I broke Hawke's trust, when I destroyed the Chantry. And I did it because I loved him, because I did not want him caught in the violence of that decision. And you have broken Firefly's trust because you did not want to see her suffer a worse fate. We have both had to hurt and kill more than our share of people we love. I think-- Everything I feel, everything I want, my love is too violent. And perhaps yours is too. But we did it because it was the best and often only way we knew how to love them.
I know you are seeking condemnation because it will match the feeling in your heart right now. That you are desperate for someone to see the parts of yourself that are ugly, and frightening. But I see them, and I am not afraid. And if you are not willing to condemn me for that same ugliness, if you are still willing to love me, then you cannot ask me to not return the same for you.
[ he really can't feel any type of pain if anders squeezes that heart—but it does feel like he's also reached right into yves' ribcage to give his heart a squeeze.
not for the first time, he does believe that he and anders have so frequently been on the different sides of the same coin. if there's anyone who can understand yves' hang-ups about killing a friend, it's him. it was one of their earliest conversations, and...
it echoes again now.
despite himself, and everything he does to keep it together, tears spill over before he can stop them even as a feeling of awe and surprise overtakes him. for all that yves gives so endlessly and generously, not once did he ever anticipate that someone would return the same to him. ]
... Anders, I...
[ words fail him, but the gratitude is obvious. the way that even now, there is something in yves that instinctively wants to reach back out to what anders is offering. to hold onto this offered affection as his lifeline through all the despair he feels. ]
[ he's thought to himself before that yves is like a spirit in a great many ways. at least, the ways he's forced himself into being. the maker's first, imperfect children. but all spirits live on a spectrum - can be twisted from their purpose by circumstance or tragedy. justice can turn to vengeance, wisdom to pride, love to obsession. the difference between anders' relationship to others and to yves is fairly simple: justice cares a great deal about him too, because he is a kindred spirit. maybe not the same thing, but the same type of animal.
squeezing the hand again, but letting him cry. sometimes that can be a good thing, to feel things. but he gets it. so much of his time here has been spent arguing with others about the ways in which he himself is frightening, ugly and burdened, and others refusing to acknowledge that part of himself. he doesn't want to deny yves that. some of it is ugly and bloody and cruel. but he's not alone with that. ]
I think this is penance enough. You have more than punished yourself, and nothing we can do will bring anyone any sort of satisfaction.
[ is it really? is this enough? when he is the one left on this side, breathing and heart beating, is it enough that he just feels a bit sorry for himself? especially when everyone else is offering only sorrows and softness, their understanding somehow being both what yves craves and what he is afraid to accept.
still... it is a little easier to hear from anders. from justice. to know what is and isn't worthy of his pain, and how much he needs to suffer under the burdens of his own actions. it is not enough to absolve him entirely, yves being a far more arrogant and stubborn creature than he ever lets on, but... meaningful. heartwarming. ]
... I'll try to believe you. I want to, even if... I'm nervous, too.
[ yves looks a little tired like he hasn't slept well but who gives a shit about that! not me! someone ate what he wasn't supposed to again and the tattoos are just around on neon green text around his body glowing through his clothes because he dresses like a nun more than lucas does
- murdered more than one friend - left home country to ruin - in love with too many people - acts like a needy bottom when he's actually a switch
anyway none of that matters he is just approaching anders i hope nyanders is here ]
[ sometimes! you are just! two sides of the same coin!!
wonderful because yves will need this kitty and will reach his hand out tentatively for sniff check ]
I'm just letting people know that I was able to pick an apple on Saturday. Ramiel suggested that the one that can cure illness could be used to heal people from the affliction, so I intended to use it to help if we found the other possessed person.
[ who was claude. who died. on sunday. yves looks a little rough around the edges but thank god it's not emotionshare am i right ]
... I was too late to telling people this time. So I'm trying to do better.
[ oooohhhh wow he is so surprised by this but he's happy nonetheless! truly radiating a sense of joy as he pets the cat and like this is the best thing that's happened in the past 24 hours
but, ]
Samuel gave us this chance with her life—or afterlife. I don't think I should benefit from it in any way.
I do have a use in mind if we make it to the end of all this without needing it, so it won't go to waste... but I don't think I should take it as a reward.
[ the idea of taking something for himself when he already is mad at himself for doing a necessary thing would've been impossible to reconcile ]
yves is just wandering around with curiosity and saying his hello's. he offers a smile to literally everyone he comes across and right now is no exception ]
Anders, I missed you! That last letter had me so worried...
[ sometimes he just says really egregious things out of pocket. mr. `i'm glad you still see value in my life` has brain problems.
happy to link arms with yves though. he does seem in general much more relaxed. ]
I wouldn't say it's entirely easy, [ at least with Certain People who loom Very Large here ] but-- It's better. It means more than I can say that you have all returned.
... I am sorry, if I can't say it easily. [ the l-word.] It just comes with-- everything that surrounds it.
[ and for the most part, at least until here, that has mostly been pain. a lifetime of being unable to say something as simple as i love you for fear of that emotion being something wielded against you, as leverage for pain. ]
yves is a little surprised for a moment, trying to figure out what anders means but—context clues do help. and in the end, his expression melts so happily that it'd be impossible to guess that anders never got around to saying the actual word.
yves will simply just give him a hug now. it is necessary. ]
... I believe you.
And that means far more than whether or not it's something I can hear, as long as it's something I feel.
So I hope you'll also believe me anyway when I do say I love you.
[ get hugged, idiod.... and yves will just cuddle in because he's so affectionate. truly even the emotionshare that comes in is soooo loving and sweet ]
Good.
I only ever wish for your happiness, Anders. Please do everything you can to reach it, okay? Or else I'll just have to cry.
I never wanted to assume your feelings on the matter…
But he was pretty torn up in the Healing Center. If we’re approaching the end, I didn’t want him to have any regrets about things he never said, or things that you deserved to hear.
And same for you… I’m sorry if it felt like I was meddling.
[ HE ALWAYS WAS HIS ENTIRE GAME EXISTENCE IS MEDDLING ]
If he felt that badly he could have answered any of the questions I sent him or assured me in any way when I needed it the most.
[ snappish. and then he realizes that was a little bitter and cools down, because he doesn't want to be angry with him. he still cares, deeply. it's just ... ]
yves just squeezes anders a little bit more in the hug ]
... sorry. Seems like I heard about things a little late. [ but the only way otherwise would've happened is if he arrived in the graveyard earlier so,, ]
No, it's alright. I think speaking to you likely helped. [ and the talk was genuinely good. ] And of course I forgive him. I would forgive him anything.
[ even executing him. even telling anders that he loves him, but not enough to spare him. ]
But I do not think we are good for one another in that way.
[ yves just nods in understanding then—forgiveness can exist alongside bitterness alongside care. there's so many layers and he's never pretended to understand all of them, but.... ]
I'm glad you came to that conclusion and the choice was your own.
I do hope you find happiness, Anders. You deserve love and care just as much, if not more than, anyone else.
[ cute... yves is unfortunately just soooo happy and enamored about it. disgusting. but they also just talked about anders' breakup so he's not going to break out into a romantic soliloquy or anything ]
Thanks. Me too.
Next it's just figuring out where we're going from here.
[ he just laughs and nods... the only thing that can get yves to abandon his horrible home country is the fact that he'd rather have a better life for adolphe ]
We do. I think I'm pretty adaptable... but I'm trying to think of where Adolphe would like to go.
It's more difficult than I thought it'd be to find a relatively peaceful place that also lets you keep your swords.
[ ok iT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!! YVES IS MAKING HIS ROUNDS TO SEE PEOPLE and he's bringing a gift with him. it's a paper flower again, but this time in the shape of a lycoris, just like the ones on his halo. it has both red and black petals, and it truly looks so hilariously goth from someone so sunshiney
We're going with Claude. [ a little bit of a laugh ] It'll be hard staying away when he's in the middle of a war, but I know that if I stuck too close, he'd only worry more...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
WEEKEND 0 - SATURDAY
he will just be sort of ... wandering aimlessly outside, because he keeps stopping outside of the buildings and then clearly chickening out of going inside. it all feels deeply uncomfortable. he will especially stop in front of the church to look it over, frowning. cool cool cool no doubt. ]
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matching obligatory fit check instead of sexy angel costume! though at least now i can mention that yves was probably covered in bandages beneath his angel costume earlier so it wasn't even that scandalous. if nothing else, it just shows that the lace half mask he was wearing wasn't just part of the costume - it's an outfit staple. yay!
yves has probably been going around in the background like an npc, finishing his self-assigned sidequests, though at some point he'll just... stop next to anders? new sidequest? ]
... shall we venture inside?
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Into the Chantry? Feels a bit ... I don't know.
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but even yves find this answer a little hard to decode without context ]
... hard to say? Monsieur Lucas probably went inside, but I didn't go into our church on the island very much either.
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[ well. ]
You know someone here?
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[ easy fix! as for the question, yves offers up a sheepish smile ]
Two someones. For better or worse. Monsieur Lucas and Adolphe are both friends of mine.
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[ he'll actually be pretty happy to walk away from the Church, but was doing a weird sad guy thing of torturing himself with it. yay. ]
Two ... ? You all died together?
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but he won't ask questions - and instead shakes his head ]
No, it's... more confusing than that. But... I outlived them both, for a while.
I don't know why we all arrived here at the same time but... it's strange, to be happy for a reunion while also being confused about everything else.
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[ that actually clears some things up. ]
Hawke claims I died four years ago. I suppose he would know.
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[ softly, in a little sense of awe ]
Do... your memories align up to that point?
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[ OMINOUS thought. ]
Do yours not?
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... it depends. [ a small wince ] Sorry, I don't mean to be cryptic, but there's just some of it that isn't mine to tell.
But even if I outlived them both, one of them died in a way that's different from what I know.
We know the same people but... things didn't happen the same way.
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[ he has NO IDEA what to think of that, but it is a worrying thought, actually. the idea of the Multiverse is not a popular story trope in Thedas, so that's all ... so very new and strange. ]
I don't know what to make of that. It's-- You can't change the course of history. That's not a thing magic can or should do.
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[ a little mumble, confused ]
We don't have magic in my island... at least, as far as I know.
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[ consider the dead thing. ]
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[ a sigh ]
Well, I'm glad you're at least not here alone. Is Hawke a friend of yours?
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He used to be. I would not blame him if he has changed his mind, however. His friendship isn't something I deserve. He really wasn't supposed to die.
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but yves just looks over, curious and a little worried. his hand will find anders's shoulder automatically, a light and gentle touch ]
... are you scared to ask him?
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No. I just don't know what I want the answer to be. It would be better if he was truly done with me.
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Better for who?
It sounds a bit lonesome, if you ask me.
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You trust them?
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[ without hesitation ]
... but I also just came from a situation where I had to kill a friend, and that friend also killed me.
So I know it can be a mixed bag with friends.
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GODMAKER.well he gets it, he has the worst friends imaginable and they all kind of hate each other too so that's normal.
anders is uncouth so there's a second where theres like. a half-bark of a shocked laugh. so yeah. you get this lore drop early for that banger: ]
Hawke was my executioner, so believe me, I understand.
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yves isn't affronted by the shocked laugh, though he does look concerned when the explanation comes. he squeezes anders' shoulder gently, given how tense he is but he hopes it's a little reassuring. ]
It's tough, right? To say the least. Unsure if you should even call the other person a friend, but it doesn't erase the fondness you have in your heart for them. For everything you've been through.
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but this statement sums it up so succinctly that it seems as if yves gets it. so he's not sorry he said it. ]
Yes.
Were they right to do it? This friend of yours.
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but it's funny - because even though yves has talked about the circumstances of his death with people already, anders asks the right one question. one where he thinks some of his own frustration and emotion can shine through. what does it mean to face a friend in your last moments? ]
... I think in the end, we agreed that it didn't come down to right or wrong. I didn't want it to be about that - what people call "good or evil". I understood why he did what he did, even if a lot of people died for it.
[ even if people will think yves is crazy or insane for still having sympathy and love for someone who committed such atrocities ]
But... if he kept going, he would've killed more people that I love—for the sake of what he loved.
So it was just... whose conviction was stronger. And I chose certain death for us both, instead of letting either of us walk.
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I ...
[ he has to go silent for a long moment. ]
I'm sure your friend understood.
[ so guess which side of this he identifies with. ]
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well
yves is just going to pull him in for a hug? with all the slouching, they might actually be closer to the same height - but he doesn't seem too worried about that. it's just...
it feels like the action can express more than any words could. ]
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he can't remember the last time anyone hugged him, and it's kind of breaking him to think about that. leaning into it, pathetically. ]
I'm sorry.
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but well, yves does give good hugs. warm, secure, and so very full of tender affection. he rubs anders's back and won't pull away first. ]
It's okay. I'm sorry, too.
W0 - MONDAY
I think this thing is cursed ...
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[ he didn't ask for this cheering session ]
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Andraste's hairy asshole!
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[ sinking to the floor in front of the machine. the melancholia. ]
I, erm, wanted to apologize for the other day. I got a bit too heavy.
[ it will happen again. ]
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okay
sinks down on the floor next to anders and gently leans against him... affection week even tho they already hugged ]
I'm going to be more offended if you apologize, Anders...
I liked getting to know you, even if it was heavy. I'd like to help carry your sorrows, no matter their weight.
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[ he is like. AWARE of it at least. ]
It's not always so bad, but it has been lately.
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[ easily, reassuringly ]
Why do you think it's gotten worse...? I don't really mind it, but I do if it's bothering you...
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Things have-- had been getting worse, in Kirkwall. I was running out of ways to control ... anything at all. No one was listening anymore, not that they ever were.
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What were you trying to tell them...?
week 1 monday
well everyone's getting The Afternoon i'm sorry someone said that it's yves' holiday and it's true so we must all celebrate. he's carrying along a heart balloon and a bouquet of flowers, looking delighted when he sees anders!! ]
Anders! Look at this place, isn't it fun?
[ HE LOVES THIS HOLIDAY, OTOME FUCK THAT HE IS. he'll offer out the wholeass bouquet - full of hydrangeas ]
Would you like some flowers to share with Shadowheart? Please take it as a gift of my congratulations again.
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taking the flowers, a little forlornly. ]
We aren't-- Nevermind. I'll bring them.
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he'll place a hand at his back and tilt his head ]
Wanna talk about it...? [ thinks about him turning green about clawke ] It seems like there's a lot on your mind.
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Sure. Don’t eat strange things around here without checking if they will poison your mind first and make you humiliate yourself on Chipper.
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Poison your—oh...
[ looking sad... and patting anders on the shoulder ]
... I'm sorry it tampered with your mind like that. That's the worst emotion of them all to have manipulated. It makes sense to be upset.
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It’s fine. It’s for the best. It would not have worked in any case.
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but yves' frown intensifies then before he shakes his head ]
Maybe so. But that doesn't mean that love won't come for you. And when it does, I hope it is gentle and everything that you could've dreamed of.
Please don't take this as some indicator about what you're deserving of... because it's not.
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What is it that makes love so important to you?
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[ he's a little hesitant to admit it, but anders has been so open that it doesn't occur to yves to shy away now. ]
Because I think... it can be very lonely without it. Or without anyone who would acknowledge your existence at all.
So even if true love never comes for me... I don't want anyone to feel like they cannot be loved, like I did.
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[ he does just listen to all of that, wrapping an arm over his chest and squeezing his fingers against his arm. ]
I don't know any mage that has dared to fall in love. It is not permitted in the Circle.
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affection week is over for everyone else but not for yves. he'll reach out to take a hold of anders' free hand, just to hold onto ]
Not permitted...? Why?
[ he read some of the things that were posted on chipper but lacked proper context to fully understand ]
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Now, I have to be dedicated to the cause. Feelings like that are a distraction, and a detriment. I cannot choose my personal feelings over the mages. I would only end up breaking someone’s heart.
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there's been things here that have frustrated yves, amidst all the murder, but this earns a special spot among them. yves' own society doesn't prize love, considering how quickly the emotion is discarded upon becoming a reliver. but to outright disallow it? to punish it? to know that anders himself experienced such happiness only for it to disappear right from his fingers—
his brow furrows and he turns to face anders directly. he continues to hold onto his hand, but his other one finds his friend's shoulder ]
Someone else can choose you, even if you choose the mages. [ because he couldn't dream of asking anders not to, knowing what a difficult fight that is ] Someone can choose the mages with you, if they truly love you.
I won't say your life's work isn't important. Of course it is.
But to love and be loved is the exact type of spiteful act that should still be welcomed, especially if cruel people tell you otherwise.
You are not any less deserving of love just because you have more than one passion in your heart, my friend.
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... I wouldn't worry about finding love again. I think you make it pretty easy.
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yves just smiles at this though, and very sincerely: ]
I'm glad you already know I love you. You're very easy to love.
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I'm not. I try not to.
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I'm sorry to break the news, my friend... but I think the passion that you carry is a very wonderful thing, even if sometimes it feels so overwhelming that it's painful.
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I don't know any other way to be anymore. Even here, where we are supposed to be nothing but ourselves - I am still unable to set it down.
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[ it's the one part of redemption that yves struggles with. the idea of being 'better'.
what does that even mean? ]
week 1, friday
it currently looks like a field of pitch black lycoris flowers ]
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he'll wander in - he's doing his best not to crush flowers, but there's really only so much you can do when it's a whole field of them. ]
Yves?
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eventually the field gives way to a cliffside, and there's just a little shadowy ball of a person at the edge. there's no response, but just a bit of movement. ]
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because it's not quite yves, always prepared with a smile and a kind word. instead there's just a sad little mass of a young man, curled up into a ball and face pressed into his knees as he hugs them close. trying to become smaller, so small that maybe it'll make some of this ache disappear
he's trembling, so it doesn't seem to be working ]
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sitting down beside him, hesitating before putting a hand on his back. there's a deepness to his voice, and cracks along his skin that flicker with a eerie blue light. ]
Justice will be handed down. He will not go unavenged.
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he sniffs, some sad and pathetic little noise. ]
... I just... want him to be here.
[ does he want justice? does he want vengeance? he's never known how to wish for those things.
he's only greedy for the few friends in this life that he's lucky enough to get ]
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He is. They aren't gone. At least, that is what was told to me. In some way, they are still in this realm - though perhaps damaged.
[ ... ]
When a spirit of the Fade dies or is destroyed in some way, the same thing happens. It could take a long time, and they may or may not remember a time before, but eventually they may come to be again. As long as there is something of them in the world to recall them, to echo that spirit. Compassion, or Faith, or Justice.
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He's not the type to admit it... but Adolphe gets lonely too. Even if he's damaged...
Do you think I can't go to where he is?
[ he knows how insane it must sound, especially to those who want their redemption so badly. but yves has nothing to return to. he doesn't even know if he deserves heaven. ]
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[ it doesn't sound insane. at least not to anders. ]
I think perhaps you are still needed here.
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if there's anything that can talk yves out of something reckless, it is appealing just enough to his sense of obligation to others
even if right now he sounds a bit disbelieving ]
... needed?
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[ us? ]
I imagine we will rely on you in the coming days. I am sorry that you must bear that weight.
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yves's brow furrows in thought briefly, but eventually he will just exhale in one big sigh, closing his eyes. ]
... if people need me, I'll be here. For as long as I can.
[ even if he wants to be somewhere else - wherever adolphe's gone. he will try to be patient, even if his heart is so full of sorrow. ]
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Whoever has done it, we will make sure they will never take anyone like Adolphe ever again.
week 1, saturday
Anders...? Can I sit with you?
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What else is there left to say?
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[ he had such a rough trial. he'll sit next to him ]
Want wine?
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No.
[ he doesn't think he should drink. ]
Justice prefers I do not drink.
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he'll just lean lightly against anders' side ]
Okay. Is Justice alright with it if you have a sit with a friend for a bit?
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[ so yeah. he can stay. ]
... It is as much my fault as his.
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Why do you say that?
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[ he's not sure but ]
Do you think that you're responsible for his sins?
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[ he kept looking at him, when asked why. ]
I don't think it's Sloth.
[ what if it's something worse. ]
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I don't think loving you is a sin, Anders.
Even though it might be hard to convince you of that much.
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[ rubbing at his face in frustration. ]
Don't offer your life like that. What if I'd taken it?
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Then... you would've taken me up on my offer?
[ he lacks fear or remorse, even though he's sure people are going to lecture him ]
I'm sorry that it didn't work out.
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[ but. ]
I thought about it. But that's not a thing I could live with.
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... I'm sorry. I wish it could've been something that helped.
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and then he just shakes his head ]
... I'm sorry. I can't. Even as much as I love Adolphe... he knows this about me.
I don't think... he would want me to change who I am, even if it's to hate someone on his behalf.
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It's what made Justice so angry all the time. My rage.
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I think… I’m an abnormal case, Anders. No one should ever be like me. I’m a twisted person, ultimately.
But… your rage comes from how deeply you love and wish to defend. I don’t think that’s wrong.
Sometimes, I wish I could be that way. It might make me a better friend.
[ if it was anyone but adolphe, yves doubts they’d forgive him for how readily he forgives others ]
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Together we might make one, normal, balanced person.
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and he'll reach out to take anders' hand, if it's okay this time ]
I'm sorry, my friend.
I still wouldn't change a single thing about you, exactly as you are.
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Not even the spirit of Justice possessing me?
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[ he's only getting a vague sense of what it all means now ]
... but it's up to you. If it's a part of you that you want to keep, then it's a part of you I want to love.
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[ honestly, he thinks of yves a lot like a spirit - at least the way he's shaped and carries himself. an ideal. a virtue. so intent on fulfilling this purpose he has left some part of himself behind. maybe that's wrong, dehumanizing in its own way, but he doesn't think yves would hate that. ]
We met a long time ago, when I was with the Grey Wardens. He was infuriating. Frustrating to talk to, stubborn beyond all measure. Brave, and true. Maybe brave is even the wrong word. He does not know fear, so there is no other way for him to be. I was afraid all the time. It's why I ran so much, from everything. He asked me once why I did not fight for the Mages and only helped myself, and I had no good answer. He was the first person to hear about the mages and react only with a desire to see justice for them instead of fear or doubt. He was my friend.
At the time, he was trapped outside of the Fade. A blood mage had torn him from his home and left him here, in the mundane world, with only a corpse to inhabit. We agreed that ... a willing host is different than an unwitting mage. And he is a spirit, not a demon. We could help each other to do the things we could not do alone.
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yves listens, and he understands a bit better now. what this fade is, what it means for anders to be speak as two and not just as one. yves holds onto his hand and nods along, indicating his understanding. the fact that he's enraptured. ]
... it sounds like you found each other when you were both in need. I'm glad that you had each other and could find that comfort, that purpose, for however long.
[ it sounds familiar in ways that he can't even begin to articulate ]
Do you... still welcome him?
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[ as if either of them have enough left to be separate creatures still. ]
... Can you tell me about Adolphe? I didn't know him well.
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[ without hesitation, because if the other option is to take anders piece by piece then he won't accept it.
at the mention of adolphe though, he laughs ]
He did that on purpose. [ HIS RECLUSE BESTIE ] Even though I do think that he can get along with people once he's around them...
[ he'll lean lightly against anders, but his gaze drifts out to the ocean. he breathes in the next breeze, thinking back to the island they're both from ]
... he's my best friend. If I do my best to love everyone, then I've loved Adolphe since the beginning without trying. He looks after me. He can tell me that everything will be okay, and... it's the easiest to believe from his lips. Because he's reasonable and grounded when I'm flighty and all over the place. He is specific with his affections, but he is fiercely loyal. I think... he really loves me, even if it's not the way I want to be loved.
[ present tense, like he still doesn't know how to let go ]
I feel... lost without him. Which is why I didn't want you to have to feel what I do.
[ even if hawke was the cause. even if so much was taken from yves already. he was so ready to give even more - but he knows adolphe knows this about him too. ]
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He doesn't love you in the way you want to be loved?
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[ sometimes you are just a little guy so desperate for love it's disgusting ]
The fact that Adolphe loves me at all is something worth cherishing.
W2 - MONDAY
Yves! How much do you love me? Is it a lot?
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yves looks a little surprised but his response is immediate? ]
Of course? Have I given you reason to believe otherwise?
[ holds his hand out???? handholdy with the twink?? ]
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Great. Well, do me a favor then.
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yves nods without questioning ]
Sure. What can I help with?
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[ oh. meat shield. ]
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yves understands this for what it is and regardless he says: ] That'd be a tragic turn of events. I'd hate to lose you!
So don't worry, I'll look after you.
W2 - FRIDAY
It's difficult. Knowing that whoever did it is walking around, playing at innocence.
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handholdy? ]
Mm... though they're probably not even in their right mind.
[ what are the odds of self-defense murders twice in a row ]
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speaking of not in their right mind: ]
It's likely Justice will appear at least some tomorrow. I cannot always contain him, on the issues that are important to him.
[ maybe best not to ask anders' opinion if firefly was self-defense or not. ]
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... makes sense he'd have an opinion in a murder trial.
Is there anything in particular you want me to do to help?
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I don't know whether I can leave my knife behind, or if that's even feasible, but I do not think he will make any further attacks on suspects.
[ hawke was a bit of a special case. ]
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I'll do my best to keep an eye on things then.
And... I'll behave, too.
[ in case anyone had any concerns about yves just throwing his name in again ]
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[ just saying. ]
He wants to help, in his own way.
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[ but he nods ]
I know he does. Who wouldn't want to pursue real, true justice if they thought it was possible? I don't blame him for that...
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[ RICH COMING FROM SER JUSTICE but okay. he doesn't mean this in a mean way. just saying. ]
Human emotion is confusing, at least in the sense it isn't all so black and white. It's often less gray than people like to believe, but it's not so complicated in the Fade. An idea is often just that: an ideal.
week 2, post-trial
like he's intentionally making himself easy to find in case people are worried. when he sees you approach he smiles a little sadly and waves ]
Hi. You okay? [ a beat ] Thanks for believing me.
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[ help ]
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he laughs, scolded but amused ]
A lot. I'm sorry. I'm a pretty bizarre person and I have been for a while... but normally it's only cumbersome to me.
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just going in to hug his stupid little ass. ]
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but he hugs back and nuzzles affectionately into anders's shoulders like that'll prove he's really okay ]
... I don't feel pain. [ he mentioned this to laurence in trial, but it probably got lost ] I haven't since the fire.
So I don't notice when my injuries reopen, and it takes a long time for them to heal. I don't mention it because it only makes people worry about me more. So... I'm sorry.
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I've ... heard of conditions like that. It can be dangerous.
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... yeah. But I normally end up okay. It really doesn't hurt, and I don't mind it... I'm also normally skilled enough to not get injured much, but when I died from a fight to the death...
[ there's a lot leftover to reopen ]
I just feel bad for being a distraction and scaring you all.
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You weren't a distraction, we're just idiots. And paranoid. [ ... ] We should redo the bandages at least.
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[ and if it'd give others peace of mind ]
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[ gently pushing him back, so he can steer him towards the new clinic. ]
And if you get something worse, tell me. I have something that can help.
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Something...? What do you mean?
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[ because it is powerful, and one use, it feels important to be judicious. ]
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Oh, then don't use it on me. If I'm on Death's second doorstep, sure... but I'm really fine otherwise.
[ he'll walk off anything even if it's ill-advised ]
But... thanks for telling me.
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[ said with a thank you very much tone. ]
Like I said. If it gets worse, tell me.
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Okay... I will.
I'm really lucky that you care about me so much, Anders. Thank you.
W3 - MONDAY
he pauses for a moment, and then holds up a fist like he's thinking of simply ... shattering the glass. ]
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yves recognizes these in bits and pieces, and he shudders when he sees the behavior that the tranquil mark results in. that act of removing a person's awareness. to be a puppet. it's... it's familiar in a way, that he wished could never truly happen. his heart aches for this unhappy ending, and he turns only to see that raised fist.
so he reaches out - slowly but surely - to gently cover anders's hand with his ]
... Anders. [ softly ] Careful. You could hurt yourself.
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... Sorry. You shouldn't have to see it.
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... I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to share this with me yourself, even if I also understand if you'd never want to. But... I don't mind knowing something else about you.
I'm just sorry that it was so painful.
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[ he is at least holding it together decently for the moment. it's not like this one doesn't play on repeat in his own head. ]
It's what he wanted. He asked.
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He did. You helped him, even knowing that it would haunt you.
I think... that's also love.
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[ he doesn't know that he'd call it love - in so much as they weren't allowed to be in love. ]
He convinced me once that we shouldn't leave the tower. I used to try escaping. All the time. But he asked me to stop, because it worried him, so I did. We could have some sort of life there, and it wouldn't be free, but we would have food and shelter and each other at least. He was the best thing about that place.
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... you must've made him so very happy. For him to choose that life with you.
[ and vice versa ]
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[ but probably happy too. that's the thing about these pedestals he builds for people. there are times in their shadows he is happy. he was happy in the tower, he was happy in Kirkwall, with Hawke. for years, even. but it always crashes again. ]
Who knows. Maybe it wouldn't have lasted anyway. It's not as if we got to find out.
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Or you could've been lucky and had your first love be exactly who and what you needed at the time. Maybe your souls will find each other again, somehow, and you can try it out.
[ and wouldn't that be nice?
do u want mem back, alli ]
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[ gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme ]
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[ you might call it a survival tactic. the mirrors shift.
You won’t fool me by calling me Mother, you demon…! ]
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How dare anyone treat you that way.
[ justice has Thoughts. ]
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it's just... a little nice
to have the ideal of justice itself saying that he was wronged ]
... it does still ache, sometimes. [ . . . ] Even if I try not to blame anyone.
[ so please don't get too angry? ]
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just once, it is nice to know that a spirit - which cannot lie, and cannot hide its true feelings - has heard your story, and it knows you have been treated with injustice.
anders shoulder's will slump again, as it pushes back. ]
... You did a brave thing. It should be a scar you are able to wear proudly.
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he doesn't know if he can go that far—the insults and rocks thrown at him, calling him a monster and a puppet, are still in his memory. the way that people whisper about him when they think he can't hear still lingers. but...
this sentiment is one that he holds close and cherishes. maybe one day he can believe this too. ]
... maybe one day. [ a beat ] I don't regret saving her.
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Who is she?
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She's... Ceres. Adolphe's younger sister from the orphanage. [ . . . ] They treat her worse than they treat me, really... They call her Death and believe that a curse follows her that leads to people's deaths. They blamed her for that fire but...
[ shakes head!! ]
It wasn't her fault. She's just a normal girl.
W3 - THURSDAY
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he's in the middle of his escape so how's that
freezes when he sees anders ]
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… At least let me walk you wherever you’re going.
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... 'm cold. [ a little sad, pathetic to admit ] I wanted to sit by the heat in the spring.
[ he knows better than to go in but
his fingers are trembling faintly ]
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Alright. Let's go then.
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everything else is unfortunately hidden by clothes and he still moves like he's not injured at all. when he takes anders's arm though, he's cold. so cold. and shivering. ]
Thanks. Sorry to make you worry.
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You don't need to apologize. Are you alright?
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it's a smart move because yves is ultimately a deeply accommodating person, and he will shift to match anders's pace instead ]
... maybe?
[ he's not confident ]
I'm physically hurt, I know that... and emotionally, I...
[ how does he even begin to describe what he went through ]
... I don't want to be left behind.
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squeezing the arm he has a hold of slightly tighter. ]
You won't be.
[ he knows these thursday things are probably worse emotionally than they are physically - wounds heal. thoughts linger. ]
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[ and yves offers this too readily as someone who finds himself always dying for others, rushing to their rescue before his brain can process what his body is doing
which makes it all the more frustrating here ]
But I couldn't. I was the only one who couldn't.
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... right.
... they're all badly hurt, though. Please look after them too, Anders.
[ yves knows he will but... the fussing is there ]
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I know.
I still have the item that can heal. I understand not wanting to use it before Saturday, in case we are required to check wounds. But I feel like a monster, withholding it any longer. I would like to use it on one of you - you can decide amongst yourselves who it will be if you like.
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... I've already gotten an offer. [ because people are kind, and he loves them so much. ] I've personally turned it down for now. The guilt of knowing that some of their injuries happened at my hand... I couldn't take it. And while I know it's cause for concern in some areas... I don't feel the pain they do, and it bothers me more to know that they have to endure that alongside everything else.
So... please ask them.
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[ it doesn't work like that. pain only begets pain. ]
I know you don't feel it, but it's still there. You're still mortal.
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[ unfortunately he does. he did still die. ]
... even so, I'm sorry Anders. Please endure my selfishness. I can manage a little bit better than the others, I think.
W4 - MONDAY
I never understood how the nobility stand it.
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Me neither. Who needs this many rooms just to sit in?
My partner was a noble before he left the life behind, and whenever we visited his parents' place, I just really realized the difference between us.
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Your partner?
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Hugo! He was my partner at Courrune. He left his noble life behind to work me years back... I really owe a lot to him.
week 4, tuesday
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I don’t think he likes men.
And he reminds me too much of Varric, honestly.
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Not your type?
Then who is?
Besides the obvious
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[ THIS ISN'T JUDGEMENT. richie is just one of those straight boys you have to be careful to not get your heart broken by. ]
And I wouldn't say he is not my type. I don't know that I have a type as stone-set as all of that.
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Then is the better question if anyone's caught your eye while here?
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I'm not good for anyone, Yves. And I think perhaps other people have already picked and moved on?
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You have so much room for love, Anders
And you deserve to be loved in turn
I don't really know what other people are saying
But people keep giving me answers that they're not involved with anyone
So I dunno
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Oh Yves you're just seeing things these people are nice to everyone
They're your friend too you know there's nothing special here
Like I don't have eyes and ears
Come on
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Like a bunch of teenaged apprentices.
They could at least have the nerve to admit it.
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If you feel the attraction, you feel it!
Just admit it!
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How could anyone not adore you?
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Alright alright. I wasn't actually fishing for compliments, as much as I like them.
I meant more in the sense that if everyone is pretending they are not involved with others, and it turns out they are involved with others and will have to let me down, it will make me crazy.
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Well I was able to set up some dates today
And will only try to set up more
So wish me luck
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Of what?
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Who are you interested in?
I think you should also just admit it, Anders
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I did set him up on a date tomorrow
Though for what it's worth
He didn't even ask me who it was with before he agreed
So
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[ or like
healthy? ]
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no
[ sometimes you have deepseated jealousy issues ]
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I don't know anything about it either
But... I do think it's a beautiful thing to be cared for
Regardless of how anything shakes out, I hope you don't feel embarrassed about your feelings
Marcoh is lucky to receive them
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It will pass.
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I hope you enjoy the feelings while they last
They're warm, if nothing else
W4 - WEDNESDAY
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yves will just wander over to him, only lightly tipsy today because he's gotta keep his WITS about him! but still in a good mood and radiating fond vibes. bumping lightly into anders's side ]
Still feeling anxious? You look good, Anders.
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Maybe I should have expected it?
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You think? I'm pretty sure someone was just messing around.
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[ maybe it's fine to be included in that. listen, if they can bald him, then they don't see him as too sensitive to Mess With ... which is probably good. ]
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[ sweet marcoh ]
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I did all my curses on Tuesday ...
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[ genuinely! the emotion isn't like. cheeky liar. it is a little hehe though. ]
Guess again.
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[ now he's sooooo curious tell him your secrets ]
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[ lmao. ]
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What were you expecting?
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[ their shared custody curses. ]
I thought it would be a little funny, to be honest.
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... it was a bit funny.
[ he's well-meaning but he's honest and a gremlin at heart ]
week 4, thursday
where he ]
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it takes him a while to fully wake up - he won't be completely unconscious for very long, but he's extremely dazed and out of it for a while - there's a lot going on here, but most obviously are the gaping wound on his chest - more like an animal tried to take a bite out of him - and some scattered gunshot wounds. his arm is also deeply fucked, though it's hard to tell if it's broken or not. he's covered in bruising once the blood has been cleaned off.
and then finally the sunburst brand on his forehead, though that looks nice and healed over. :)
oh and the emotions? deeply bad. just awful.
eventually he'll start moving around enough that it's clear he's awake, if groggy. ]
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yves is just going to be waiting at his bedside for him to wake up then, worried. and that feeling only intensifies when he starts moving around. yves reaches out to gently place a hand over anders's ]
Anders... [ soft, but an attempt to get ahead of confusion ] Anders, you're safe. You're here.
week 4, friday
he looks up and waves ]
Anders! Are you okay to be up?
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I'm alright. I know my limits. [ does he? ] Justice will take over if I cannot.
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Will you let me support you? Just so that you don't reach those limits quite so quickly.
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... Sorry. I got a bit heavy last night.
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and offers a soft smile ]
You don't need to apologize to me. I didn't mind. I hope you feel a bit better today.
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[ ooft. ]
I was made Tranquil. And now that my mind is back, it is like I was locked in a lightless room, and then shoved into the noon sun. Everything is loud, and bright, and overwhelming. More than normal.
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Are you sure you wouldn't like to rest?
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Moving is better.
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but yves just nods... ]
Then we can keep moving. [ agreeable, as always ] .... please don't push yourself though.
I know that must've been difficult for you, in all sorts of ways.
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... Justice will prevent it from ever happening. I cannot be cut from the Fade, if part of me is made of the Fade.
[ but justice had not been there. ]
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.... what had happened to Justice? You lost contact?
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[ and he hadn't be possessed as a child either way. ]
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[ understanding, but also saddened ]
That's... too much. I'm sorry, Anders. Monsieur Richie told me a little bit about it but...
[ experiencing it must be even a thousand times worse ]
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I'm hardly unique in experiencing one of these now.
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[ just because it's an experience shared doesn't make it any less horrible ]
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[ he knows yves is very capable of being extremely loving towards everyone and caring so deeply about everything. ]
I just-- don't want to cause so much worry.
W4 - SATURDAY
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he's just having a drink at the bar today what a fucking day ]
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So, perhaps the lesson should be one of patience. Or maybe the rest of us were simply too patient.
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yves is just having a beer, and as anders gets closer, yves' emotions that were swirling earlier are a little easier to pick out now. guilt. failure. self-hatred. it spikes slightly at anders' words but that's not his fault. ]
... I didn't think I was too late already. Sorry.
[ he thought he'd tried to do something good for once. ]
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No apologies. It's-- I should have acted myself. Instead we've let you do all the work alone. That is not a burden you should have had to carry yourself.
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... she trusted me and only me. I think that even if we heard from others... the doubt would've been there.
I'm the one who broke that trust.
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Yves.
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looks at anders with truly just the most lost look on his face ]
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I do not think you are perfect, or beyond reproach. But I believe you have good in your heart, and more kindness than anyone should carry.
I won't argue that you didn't betray her. You did. But sometimes that is necessary. I broke Hawke's trust, when I destroyed the Chantry. And I did it because I loved him, because I did not want him caught in the violence of that decision. And you have broken Firefly's trust because you did not want to see her suffer a worse fate. We have both had to hurt and kill more than our share of people we love. I think-- Everything I feel, everything I want, my love is too violent. And perhaps yours is too. But we did it because it was the best and often only way we knew how to love them.
I know you are seeking condemnation because it will match the feeling in your heart right now. That you are desperate for someone to see the parts of yourself that are ugly, and frightening. But I see them, and I am not afraid. And if you are not willing to condemn me for that same ugliness, if you are still willing to love me, then you cannot ask me to not return the same for you.
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not for the first time, he does believe that he and anders have so frequently been on the different sides of the same coin. if there's anyone who can understand yves' hang-ups about killing a friend, it's him. it was one of their earliest conversations, and...
it echoes again now.
despite himself, and everything he does to keep it together, tears spill over before he can stop them even as a feeling of awe and surprise overtakes him. for all that yves gives so endlessly and generously, not once did he ever anticipate that someone would return the same to him. ]
... Anders, I...
[ words fail him, but the gratitude is obvious. the way that even now, there is something in yves that instinctively wants to reach back out to what anders is offering. to hold onto this offered affection as his lifeline through all the despair he feels. ]
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squeezing the hand again, but letting him cry. sometimes that can be a good thing, to feel things. but he gets it. so much of his time here has been spent arguing with others about the ways in which he himself is frightening, ugly and burdened, and others refusing to acknowledge that part of himself. he doesn't want to deny yves that. some of it is ugly and bloody and cruel. but he's not alone with that. ]
I think this is penance enough. You have more than punished yourself, and nothing we can do will bring anyone any sort of satisfaction.
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still... it is a little easier to hear from anders. from justice. to know what is and isn't worthy of his pain, and how much he needs to suffer under the burdens of his own actions. it is not enough to absolve him entirely, yves being a far more arrogant and stubborn creature than he ever lets on, but... meaningful. heartwarming. ]
... I'll try to believe you. I want to, even if... I'm nervous, too.
week 5, monday
- murdered more than one friend
- left home country to ruin
- in love with too many people
- acts like a needy bottom when he's actually a switch
anyway none of that matters he is just approaching anders i hope nyanders is here ]
Anders, can I talk to you about something?
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anyway yes kitty can be here, he's just sorta bringing that cat everywhere like an emotional support animal. ]
Yes, of course.
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wonderful because yves will need this kitty and will reach his hand out tentatively for sniff check ]
I'm just letting people know that I was able to pick an apple on Saturday. Ramiel suggested that the one that can cure illness could be used to heal people from the affliction, so I intended to use it to help if we found the other possessed person.
[ who was claude. who died. on sunday. yves looks a little rough around the edges but thank god it's not emotionshare am i right ]
... I was too late to telling people this time. So I'm trying to do better.
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Ah-- really?
[ he's surprised, that it counts that's all. but he doesn't know why he would be. ]
It's ... kind of you to do that. To offer it at all.
[ yves. you come from an island where an orphanage burns down every three days and they all bully children for saving other sad children from fires. ]
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but, ]
Samuel gave us this chance with her life—or afterlife. I don't think I should benefit from it in any way.
I do have a use in mind if we make it to the end of all this without needing it, so it won't go to waste... but I don't think I should take it as a reward.
[ the idea of taking something for himself when he already is mad at himself for doing a necessary thing would've been impossible to reconcile ]
week 7, monday
yves is just wandering around with curiosity and saying his hello's. he offers a smile to literally everyone he comes across and right now is no exception ]
Anders, I missed you! That last letter had me so worried...
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I -- really didn't mean to worry you. I think I get a bit dramatic at times ...
[ he is prone to that. ]
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That's alright. As long as you're okay, I don't mind.
How are you feeling after seeing everyone?
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happy to link arms with yves though. he does seem in general much more relaxed. ]
I wouldn't say it's entirely easy, [ at least with Certain People who loom Very Large here ] but-- It's better. It means more than I can say that you have all returned.
Yves?
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Hm? Anders?
[ is he in trouble? (why is his first instinct always that he's in trouble) ]
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... I am sorry, if I can't say it easily. [ the l-word.] It just comes with-- everything that surrounds it.
[ and for the most part, at least until here, that has mostly been pain. a lifetime of being unable to say something as simple as i love you for fear of that emotion being something wielded against you, as leverage for pain. ]
But I do. Feel it.
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oh.
yves is a little surprised for a moment, trying to figure out what anders means but—context clues do help. and in the end, his expression melts so happily that it'd be impossible to guess that anders never got around to saying the actual word.
yves will simply just give him a hug now. it is necessary. ]
... I believe you.
And that means far more than whether or not it's something I can hear, as long as it's something I feel.
So I hope you'll also believe me anyway when I do say I love you.
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I believe you.
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Good.
I only ever wish for your happiness, Anders. Please do everything you can to reach it, okay? Or else I'll just have to cry.
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[ patting him gently on the back. ]
I heard you were coaching Hawke?
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I never wanted to assume your feelings on the matter…
But he was pretty torn up in the Healing Center. If we’re approaching the end, I didn’t want him to have any regrets about things he never said, or things that you deserved to hear.
And same for you… I’m sorry if it felt like I was meddling.
[ HE ALWAYS WAS HIS ENTIRE GAME EXISTENCE IS MEDDLING ]
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[ snappish. and then he realizes that was a little bitter and cools down, because he doesn't want to be angry with him. he still cares, deeply. it's just ... ]
It's-- It's fine. We talked.
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yves just squeezes anders a little bit more in the hug ]
... sorry. Seems like I heard about things a little late. [ but the only way otherwise would've happened is if he arrived in the graveyard earlier so,, ]
... it's okay if you don't forgive him.
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No, it's alright. I think speaking to you likely helped. [ and the talk was genuinely good. ] And of course I forgive him. I would forgive him anything.
[ even executing him. even telling anders that he loves him, but not enough to spare him. ]
But I do not think we are good for one another in that way.
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I'm glad you came to that conclusion and the choice was your own.
I do hope you find happiness, Anders. You deserve love and care just as much, if not more than, anyone else.
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[ mage who is going to be okay dot jpeg ]
What about you?
[ i want. deets. ]
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yves just smiles a little bit, raising a brow ]
What about me...? Do I seem like I have something to share...?
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[ HE ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE HE HAS SOMETHING TO SHARE. ]
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yves laughs, startled ]
I cornered Adolphe into admitting he loves me? Is that worth sharing?
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[ he should!!!!! ]
I'm happy you're together again.
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Thanks. Me too.
Next it's just figuring out where we're going from here.
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anyway on a personal suggestion, perhaps they could go anywhere but orphanage fire island. ]
You have choices.
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We do. I think I'm pretty adaptable... but I'm trying to think of where Adolphe would like to go.
It's more difficult than I thought it'd be to find a relatively peaceful place that also lets you keep your swords.
endgame
but he'll offer it out anyway ]
Anders, will you accept a token from me?
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taking the flower without hesitation, holding it over gently. ]
What do you think of it? Freedom?
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[ but he says it with a laugh ]
I know there's a lot of mixed feelings, and I'd like to do my best to be mindful but... we're all getting a chance to go back to life.
That's wonderful. When I first arrived, I never dreamed I'd be so excited for another chance.
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[ honestly, he does not feel bad either. ]
I do not believe it has sunk in yet, entirely. But I have never been truly free in my life before to make a decision such as this.
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[ looking soooo eager for an answer ]
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Yes, that's true.
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I'm so glad... Is it just the two of you? Do you know?
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[ anyone else is ... in the air. ]
What about you and Adolphe?
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[ he's so delighted.... ]
We're going with Claude. [ a little bit of a laugh ] It'll be hard staying away when he's in the middle of a war, but I know that if I stuck too close, he'd only worry more...
So I'll wait to greet him again in peacetime.